You're Gonna Carry That Weight
by Sailor Red
Summary: The final Chapter is up! Faye Spike Readers wanted.
1. Mars in Retrograde

He limped down the stairs, clutching his side like he was trying to hold in the blood pouring for his gut.   
  
Clunk.  
  
His shoe seemed to echo throughout the building as it settled on the stair. He was half way down. He was dizzy. He couldn't make it the rest of the way. The blood flowed out of him like a river, and he felt cold. He was dying.   
  
Again.  
  
He looked to the group at the foot of the stairs. People he had once called his comrades, his friends, had their guns aimed at him. They were ready to end his life. They were ready to see him die. He was unarmed, but he was not down. He smirked and formed his hand into the shape of a gun.  
  
"Bang."  
  
He collapsed upon the stairs, barely registering the pain as his head hit one of them, and blackness filled his vision.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
You're Gonna Carry That Weight  
By Sailor Red  
3/28/02  
Cowboy Bebop copyright 1998 Sunrise Inc. Bandai Visual (Not me)  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Chapter 1   
Mars in Retrograde  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Seven months. Had it really been that long?   
  
Jet sat at the side of the hospital bed, and shook his head. He ran his hands through nonexistent hair, and stared at his lifeless friend with melancholy eyes. Seven months ago he had gotten the call. An anonymous Red Dragon had told him that Spike had been sent to the local hospital with a couple of bullet wounds, a sliced open gut, and a head injury.   
  
The bullet wounds and the long gash on Spike's stomach had long since healed. However, his head injury . . . The doctors had said that after three months there would be brain damage if he didn't wake up. Jet refused to pull the plug on him. He was so sure that Spike would wake up. He would not believe that Spike would remain comatose for so long. It was now four months after the stage that would cause brain damage. Jet knew that there was no way that Spike would be the same if he were to wake up now. Yet, he still had faith. He was just running dangerously low of money.  
  
There were so many things he was trying to do. In between Spike's exorbitant hospital fees, there was the search he was conducting to find Faye. That bitch had gone and run off when things got tough. As soon as Spike had left the ship on that fateful day, she had left as well. She said she couldn't take all of the shit anymore, hopped into her ship, and left. She hadn't been seen since. She probably didn't even know that Spike was alive. Jet was hoping the purple haired woman would help out . . . at least a little. She seemed to care for Spike. She wouldn't have been crying that day if she didn't.  
  
There was a knock at the door. Jet instinctively put his hand on his gun.  
He wasn't taking any chances.  
"It's open." The door opened and in walked a young girl with tanned skin, bright flame colored hair, and rosy cheeks. Jet's eyes widened. "Ed!" Ed smiled.  
  
"Edward heard that fluffy green haired man wasn't feeling good. Ed wanted to see if she could help." Jet rose from his chair and walked over to the young girl.  
  
"How'd you find out?"  
  
"Jet forget that Ed's a hacker. Ed knows Jet's been looking for Faye-Faye. Ed wants to help Jet. Jet let Edward ride in the Bebop." a whimper came from behind Ed. "Ein wants to help Jet, too." Ed looked down to her wiggling toes. "Ed is worried about Spike-Spike. Ed has an idea to help Jet find Faye, so Jet can raise more money to help Spike."  
  
"Ed . . . all the money in the world isn't gonna help Spike. He's gotta wake up on his own." Ed looked up at the bald man, confused.   
  
"Then why does Jet want to find Faye-Faye so bad?" Jet sighed and rubbed Ed's head affectionately.  
  
"It's a long shot, but Spike might wake up for her. As long as she acts like a woman instead of the tomboy she usually is . . ."  
  
"Ed thinks Jet is gambling."  
  
"I might be. But anything is worth a shot right now."  
  
"What if Faye doesn't want to come and see Spike? Faye was pretty angry last time Ed talked to her. Faye was drunk too, though." Jet's eyes lit up in shock. He gripped Ed's shoulders.  
"Ed! When did you talk to Faye?!"  
  
"Yesterday. Faye was at the Loser Bar. Ed snuck in. Ed had Shitake."  
  
"WHAT?! You're selling mushrooms now?!" Ed started giggling like a hyena and hopped around the room like she had just told the biggest joke in the world.  
  
"Not funny mushrooms. But people thought they were funny mushrooms . . ."  
Ed made a faux guilty face and then started hopping around again. "Ed got in big trouble. Faye-Faye had to start shooting people." Jet face vaulted and then stared at the young girl. He'd have to get used to her again. He shook his head.  
  
"So, do you know where Faye is now?"  
  
"Yup!! Faye-Faye is at the Honky Tonk Inn until tonight. Then Faye is going to Ganymede."   
  
"Great." Jet grabbed his coat and started towards the door. He stopped before he turned the handle. " . . . Ed . . . did you tell Faye that Spike was alive?" Ed scratched her head.  
"Was Ed supposed to?" Jet sighed and walked out the door, muttering something to Ed about staying put. He'd have to tell Faye about Spike himself, before she went and left for Ganymede. Otherwise, she would probably hound him for propellant money that he just did not have, AND be pissed about him not telling her about Spike BEFORE she left the planet.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Faye threw her bloody outfit in the garbage, her eyebrow twitching in annoyance. That stupid Ed just had to sell fake mushrooms at the bar. She had liked that bar. Now she couldn't go into it anymore without some sort of gun fight starting up. Good thing she was headed to Ganymede. She hadn't been kicked out of all the bars there . . . yet. She was too damn hot headed lately. There was something about not having anything stable in life to do that to you. She traveled around from planet to planet making just enough money to pay for her hotels, her drinking, and the small amount she had left to pay off her debts. Thank god for that one 300 million woo long bounty she had caught. It had nearly got her killed, but it was a Red Dragon she had to bring in, and after Spike . . .  
Well, it was worth it. She'd blow up the whole damn syndicate if she could bring that annoying bastard back.   
  
Faye shook her head. Those stupid thoughts were coming back again. They always did when she had someone to catch on Mars. She got nostalgic, and that made her impossibly depressed. She didn't want to think of him. She wanted to forget that he had ever existed. He had walked out on her. He had walked out and took away from her everything that was secure and comfortable in her life.   
  
And there had never been much that was secure in her life. The Bebop and its crew had become her home and her family. First she lost Ed and Ein. She could deal with the loss of those two. She had never really got close to them. Then Spike left. She had realized too late how much she cared about that green haired jerk when he walked out the door. She didn't realize how much she cared until he was gone. She growled at herself and slammed her suitcase on the bed. The faster she got off this planet, the better. She was getting all sentimental again.  
She didn't want to be sentimental. It distracted her from what was important in the here and now. That is finding her next bounty, getting to Ganymede, and finding her newest bar hangout.   
  
Her heart went to her stomach as a pounding knock on the door resounded throughout the room. She jumped for her gun and aimed at the entryway.  
  
"I have nothing to do with your fucking mushrooms! Open the door and   
I'll have your brains on my floor."  
  
"Faye . . . it's me. Ed's sorry about the whole mushroom thing . . .   
I think . . ." Faye's eyes widened and she lowered her gun. She slowly walked towards the door and opened it.  
  
"J-Jet . . ." She wiped the confusion off her face and scowled. "What the hell do you want?" Jet smirked.  
  
"Same old Faye."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Faye flared. She didn't know why she was letting him get on her nerves the way that he was, but he looked so serious, and it was scaring her.  
  
"Nothing." he sighed. "There's something I have to talk to you about."  
  
"Well, spit it out then, Jet. I have a gate to catch to Ganymede."  
  
"Cancel it." Faye looked at Jet angrily.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" She spat. "Since when did you become my father?!"  
  
"Jesus Faye, calm down."  
  
"Where do you get off telling me what to do? I'm not bumming a ride on your ship anymore, so you can't boss me around." Faye didn't know why she was yelling, it just felt right. She was angry at the world, so she was angry at Jet, too.   
  
"Faye, I'm not telling you to do anything. I'm here to ask you for your help."   
  
"What if I don't want . . ." Faye started, and Jet growled and slammed his fist on the wall.  
  
"Goddammit Faye! Spike's fucking life is on the line, so shut UP!!" Faye opened her mouth as if to say something, but numbly closed it without saying a word. Her arms dropped and limply hung at her sides. She lifted her arm up slowly as if to grasp Jet's words in her hand, and trembling, lowered it a bit only to raise it back up to try to hide the shock on her face.  
  
"S-Spike's . . . alive?" She changed over to anger. "How long have you known and haven't told me?!" Jet sighed and ran his hand over his head.   
  
"I've been trying to track you down for months now. It wasn't until  
Ed showed up at the hospital that I found out where you were."  
  
"The hospital?"  
  
"Yeah. Spike's been comatose for about seven months now. The doctors have done all that they can physically. Physically, there's nothing wrong with him, but he still hasn't woken up. So the Doc suggested that I gather people he knew. If he recognizes a voice he might wake up."  
  
"Might?"  
  
"He's been down for more than three months, which means he's probably got some pretty bad brain damage. Even if everyone he ever knew tried talking to him, he might not be in a state to even recognize anyone's voice. He has to get up soon, otherwise I'll be out of cash, and the Doc's will pull the plug on him. Then it'll only be a short time until his brain completely fails him." Faye grabbed her coat and practically pushed Jet out the door.  
  
"Quit the small talk Jet, let's go."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Faye was greeted by the sound of all the bleeps, blips, and blops of the hospital as she stepped in the door. She hated hospitals. They were all the same: emotionless, sterile, full of death. The smell of antiseptic and far too clean cotton sheets met her nostrils, and she subconsciously decided to breathe through her mouth.   
  
Jet led her through the hallways, each new one looking like the last, with their plain white walls and paisley boarders. Metal stands carrying bags of sugar water lined one of the walls like a grim line of soldiers. Bins of discarded needles with their biohazard signs seemed to be on the side of every door.   
Jet finally stopped at room 624; Faye noticed a hastily scribbled tag slipped into the name bar: Spiegel. There was also a note with a big smiley face on it taped to the door. Faye picked it up and read:  
  
  
"Went to get Ein food. Ed be back." Faye handed it to Jet, who looked angry.  
  
"I thought I told her to stay put!" he said, crumpling up the offending piece of paper. "It's not like Ein's never gone without food before . . ."  
  
Faye ignored Jet's rant and pushed her way into Spike's room. She walked as confidently as she could to the bed and leaned over to look at the man.  
  
She recoiled as he looked back up at her.  
  
"Spike! You're awake!!" She exclaimed. Jet's 'Wha?!' and the sound of his feet running across the floor seemed to echo throughout the room. The two were both practically beaming, when they were smacked in the face.  
  
Spike spoke up.  
  
"Who the hell are you?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
to be continued . . .  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I'm Baaaack!! Hope you enjoyed the first part. Hope you enjoy the   
cliffhanger . . . mwahahaha. Writer's block has gone bye-bye, the muse  
is back from vacation. Whoo hooo! ^_^ Next part will be up soon. Ja!  
*fic copywrite March 2002 Sailor Red / Elaine Mahlecke* 


	2. Sad Sad Song

You're Gonna Carry That Weight   
by Sailor Red   
Cowboy Bebop belongs to Sunrise Inc. Bandai Ent. (not me *cries*)   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Chapter Two   
Sad Sad Song   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"Who the hell are you?" 

If words were knives then Jet and Faye would have fallen to the floor, bloodied to the point of non resuscitation. The gentle spring breeze fluttered the curtains in the room softly, but an arctic wind surrounded the two as they shivered violently from the impact of such a small question. They became deaf in that instant, until the beep of Spike's heart monitor snapped them out of the trance he had put them in. Jet felt the urge to scream at the other man in frustration, but the words would not come out. Faye was simply numb. She knew what was happening. She had been there. For a quick instant, she wished that Spike was dead. 

She knew the pain of not knowing who she was. Such a pain could be worse than death. The memory of such brought tears to her emerald eyes, and she choked on those tears. She choked on her memories. She had wished a lot of things on Spike when she was angry, but never . . . never this. 

Spike sat up on the the bed, looking around the room in confusion. He searched his mind frantically for anything that seemed familiar. He was in a bed. The beeping thing next to him was a monitor. There was a needle in his hand, attached to a long tube and then a bag of clear liquid. He recognized all of this. 

He did not recognize the two people standing beside him. One of them was a big guy, with a metal arm. The man looked like he was in shock. Like he was hurt. The other person was a woman with purple hair and a skimpy yellow outfit. The woman was shaking. She looked like she was crying. He looked at her with bewildered eyes, and then watched as the big man put his hand on her shoulder. 

"F-faye . . ." The big man said softly to the woman. "Faye, calm down." The woman rounded on him and slapped his hand away. 

"Fuck you, calm down! He doesn't remember us! You know what this means, right?" The big man visibly gulped and looked down to the floor. He knew what it meant, all right. He just didn't want to believe it. 

"Hey . . ." Spike spoke, his voice hoarse from its lack of use. "Could one of you fill me in here, 'cause I sure as hell don't know what's going on." The woman nodded, and then turned to the metal armed man. 

"Jet, you should go get a doctor, I'll talk to Spike." The big man glared at the purple haired woman. 

"What're ya going to tell him?" he asked suspiciously. "Why don't YOU get the doctor." The woman's eyebrow twitted. 

"I think I know a LITTLE bit more about amnesia than you do, Jet, so go get the fucking doctor and stop bitching like a little girl!" The man glared at the woman as if he had the intention to do her serious bodily harm, then turned and walked towards the door. He stopped at it for an instant, then grabbed the knob, ripped the door open and slammed it loudly on his way out. 

"Amnesia? Is that what this is?" Faye turned to Spike and sighed. She pulled a metal folding chair to his bedside and plopped into it, head facing down, hair covering her eyes. She took a deep breath and looked up, brushing a stray bang behind her ear. She sighed. 

"Yeah. I think so." She gulped. She had once been on the other side of this chair. She had once been the tired, confused, shell of herself that asked for answers. That begged for anything that would bring her lost sense of self back to her. The only difference was that she cared for Spike's well being and recovery. Whitney had used her venerability to screw her over. She would not let the same thing happen to Spike. 

"Hey, are you gonna say anything or not?" Faye snapped out of her memory. 

"Um . . . yeah. What do you remember?" Spike shifted in what looked to be discomfort. 

"Things . . . but not people." Faye grimaced bitterly. It was the same. "Well, actually, no, that's not completely true . . ." Faye looked at Spike quizzically. "My eye . . ." The purple haired woman let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding. Of course. His eye. The mechanical one that had recorded his dream. She clenched the fabric of her shorts. 

"Go on." 

"There's images of people. A silver haired man and a blonde haired woman." he breathed. "But I don't . . . I mean . . . I can't tell what they're there for . . . Hell, I can't even remember their names. I can't remember mine, either." Faye sighed. 

"I want to help you. I really do. But I can't tell you a lot of things. If I tell you, then you might start to make fake memories out of them. I can give you names, but that's it. The rest you have to remember on your own." Spike glared and kneaded his pillow. 

"Just give me something . . ." Faye wanted to throw up. It made her sick that she knew more about someone else's life and couldn't tell them. She couldn't risk feeding him memories that may form into lies. She refused to put Spike through what she went through. 

"A-alright. Your name is Spike Speigel, I'm Faye, and the guy that was in here earlier is Jet. Um . . . That silver haired guy's name is Vicious, and the blonde is Julia. Both of them are dead, but don't write them off as unimportant, 'cause they were." She took a deep breath. "Look, Spike, I know what you're going through. The same thing happened to me, and I got my memory back. I know you'll get yours back, too. Just don't think about it too much. It's hard, but just don't. You'll get more hints when you're not looking for them." She smiled. "And don't get used to me being this nice, I'm a real bitch most of the time." Spike smiled back. 

"Yeah, I saw that with that Jet guy." Faye's eyebrow twitched, and she stared at the green haired man. He was different all right, but in some ways he was the same. His mannerisms remained intact, and he still had the same attitude when he wanted to. Even though it annoyed her, it also relieved her greatly that he was basically the same old Spike . . . well minus the angsty memories. Minus some of the fond ones on the Bebop, too. He'd get them back though. He just HAD to. Her musings were cut short by Spike waving his hand in front of her face. She jumped. Spike smiled like he wanted something, and indeed he did. 

"Oi, Faye, mind if I steal one of your smokes?" It wasn't a question, so much as a taunt. He already had her pack in his hand, and had already pulled out and lit one of her cigarettes. Faye growled and snatched the pack out of his hand, pulled one out for herself, and lit it. She glared at the amused look on Spike's face as she took a drag and then blew the smoke in his face. She smirked. 

"Jerk." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Jet walked down the hospital corridors, the urge to kick something or punch something or even shoot something, first and foremost in his mind. Why the hell did Spike have to have amnesia? He answered his own question mentally: 'Well, because he's been in a coma for seven fucking months. You knew he was going to have SOME sort of brain damage . . . you just weren't prepared for this type.' Jet growled inwardly. He would have to be VERY careful with his bonsai's tonight, otherwise he may chop them all down. 

The nurse's station was only a couple more feet away, but it may as well have been a walk from Mercury to Jupiter. He didn't want to tell the doctor that Spike had woken up. He didn't want to tell that same doctor that his best bud didn't even REMEMBER him. He wanted to run back to Spike's room and hear the green haired man laughing his ass off because he had just told a horrible joke; Spike really remembered everything but just wanted to see the look on Jet's face. 

Jet knew that that was simply not the case. The blank look that Spike had given him was engraved in Jet's mind. It was NOT the look of someone who was telling a joke. It was the look that Spike had reserved for strangers and bounties that he didn't give a shit about. 

Jet stepped up to the nurse's cubby and cleared his throat. The nurse was busy chit chatting on the phone, squeaky voiced like she was flirting with someone that Jet had the urge to kill in his current angry state. This was not the time for the nurse to be flirting like some dumb blonde bimbo. He slammed his fist on her desk, and she nearly flew out of her seat in shock, almost ripping out the lock of hair she had been twirling around her finger. Shakily voiced, she pulled herself together and asked: 

"M-may I help you?" Jet glared at her and mentally forced his arm to stay down on the desk, lest he raise it without thinking and strangle her. 

"Yes, Yes you can . . ." He said in a sickeningly sweet voice, then changed his tone to much more gruff. "Spike's awake. He probably has amnesia. He could PROBABLY use a CAT scan. So if you'd be so KIND . . .Go GET the fucking doctor!" The nurse 'eeped' like the little shoujo anime character she seemed to be, and ran towards the direction of the doctor's current location. 

Jet glared in the nurse's general location and then spun around and headed back to Spike's room. He seemed to be walking back to the room a lot faster than he had when he was walking away from it. This was probably due to the fact that the numb disbelief had finally set in. He wanted to believe that he was having some sort of nightmare and that he'd wake up and the whole episode had never happened. He was glad that Spike was awake, sure, but deep down he wished that the man would go back to sleep and wake up the same as he used to be. He took a deep breath when he reached Spike's door, and then opened it slowly, carefully, like   
too much pressure on the knob would shatter the wood into splinters. Much like he felt would happen to him should any other bad surprises show up. 

He was pleasantly surpassed by the sight that befell him when he walked into the room. Spike and Faye were fighting about something or another, cigarettes lit and being swung around haphazardly in frantic hands. 

Like old times. 

Jet smiled for the first time in what felt like eons. He tried to wipe the grin off of his face and look stern. 

"Faye, what the hell are you doing? You shouldn't be aggravating him." Faye glared at Jet, and then shrugged. 

"Yeah Jet, Spike's fucking glass. Please." Spike smirked, then grabbed Faye's cigarettes. 

"You look like you need one of these Jet . . ." Spike threw the pack to Jet, and he laughed. Faye's eyes grew wide, her eyebrow twitched, and she growled. 

"Spike, if you weren't in that bed, I'd kick your ass . . ." Faye's rant was interrupted by a blur of tan and red streaking through the room. 

"Ed heard green haired man was awake!" She ran over to Spike, grabbed his cheek and started stretching it. Spike almost looked frightened. 

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" Faye rolled her eyes. Ed looked confused. Jet tried to hold back his laughter: and HE had been worried about getting used to Ed again! Faye spoke up. 

"Oh, that's Ed . . . and that mutt humping your leg is Ein." Spike made a disgusted face and kicked his leg to dislodge the offending Welsh Corgi. Ein whimpered and hid behind Jet. Ed jumped up on Spike's bed and proceeded to sniff the fluffy haired man. 

"Spike-spike smells different . . ." Spike now looked completely confused. He pulled Ed up by the back of her shirt and the girl hung like a kitten lifted by the scruff of its neck. Faye grinned. 

"Spike always smelt funny, Ed." Spike glared at Faye while dropping Ed on the floor. He stole another of Faye's cigarettes, lit it, breathed in, breathed out, and then looked around. 

"Kid's, Critters, and Tomboy's . . . I hate 'em." Faye dropped her cigarette, and coughed on her own inhaled smoke. Jet's mouth hung open in utter shock. Ed tried to ride Ein like a horse. Spike seemed to be thinking, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. There was something in the back of his mind trying to force its way out. He smirked uncomfortably. 

"I . . . I've said that before . . . haven't I." It was a statement, and not a question. He knew he had said something like that before. It felt familiar, however, as much as he searched his brain for the memory attached to it, it slipped through his fingers. Faye smiled, she nodded, and Spike noticed a hint of pain in her emerald eyes. The purple haired woman picked her cigarette up off the floor, took a drag, and then put it out. She got up from her chair with a tear on her cheek, muttered something about 'hating it when smoke gets in her eyes,' and walked out of the room. 

Jet and Spike stared at the door in confusion as it closed behind her. A minute later, the doctor came into the room. He asked for everyone to leave for the night, and after much argument in between Jet and the doctor, they agreed. The Doc had to do some tests, and Jet certainly needed some sleep. It was arranged that the nurses would keep an eye out for Faye and let her know that Jet, Ed, and Ein were going to be on the Bebop, and she 'would be tolerated' there if she wanted to spend the night. Tomorrow they could visit again, with the stipulation that Jet kept his temper under control . . . apparently the poor nurse he had run into had   
been scared shitless by the man, and it was 'not appreciated' by the staff. Oh well. Tomorrow was another day, after all. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Faye ran past the doctor as she sped through the halls of the hospital, past the paisley rimmed walls and towering IV stands. She had her hands clutched to her sides, like she would lose them if she were to swing them around. The tears fell from her eyes like a waterfall. A waterfall that had mysteriously sprung up on a sand dune in the desert, for she had certainly not cried in months before today. It was too much. It was all too damn much. 

She knew far too well everything that Spike was going through. She remembered all of the times that she said something that she KNEW she had said before, and yet didn't remember where or when she had said it. She knew the feeling of frantically searching her mind for answers, for something, anything to grasp onto. Anything that would even resemble a memory, a flash, or even some sort of commonplace. It always slipped through her grasp. All of the familiarities that seemed more than coincidence, all of the De ja vu moments that haunted her soul with their taunts . . . _'Yes, you've been here, of course you have . . . don't you_   
_remember?'_

_'Don't you remember?'_ Her mind played with her, attacked her, caused her to halt mid sprint. 

She squeezed shut her eyes as unmerciful, painful memories tore at her soul, their claws leaving long languid scratches across her heart. Like someone trying to do needle work with a dagger. 

_'Don't you remember Faye? Oh, come on Faye, what's the matter? You don't remember this place? You don't remember this room? Don't you remember ANYTHING? What did your parents look like, Faye? Did you take after your mom or your dad? How old are you? Who are you? Who were you? Where'd your mind go, little girl?'_

Faye screamed and sunk to the floor, clutching her head. 

"Why?" she said weakly, trembling, begging the world for an answer. 

_'Don't you remember, Faye? It's cause you wanted to see the stars . . .and you saw them . . . you saw them in all their glory . . . until one exploded and ripped your mind away . . . you remember that, Faye? Do you remember the moment your pain began? You were the daughter to a wealthy man, Faye. You wanted to see the stars, and Daddy let you. Now you can barely remember him. Isn't it funny?'_

"Shut up!" Faye insisted her mind. "Just . Shut . UP!" Her mind didn't listen. 

_'You should have shot your little friend there . . .'_

Faye's eyes went dry and flew open. She gasped.__

_'. . .If you had shot him when you had the chance, he wouldn't be going through this right now, now would he? All ya had to do was shoot him in the legs and he wouldn't have been able to go! But you didn't, Faye. You just wasted your bullets on the roof of the Bebop. You just cried like the sentimental jackass you really are. You didn't stop him. You could have, but you didn't. This is ALL YOUR FAULT!'_

Her mind laughed at her, poked her and prodded her in all of her insecure spots, until she numbly stared into nothing, and blacked out, curled into a fetal position on the sterile, cold, hospital floor. 

_'Don't you remember? You could've saved him from all of this . . . but you were weak, Faye . . . you were too damn weak . . .'_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
To be continued . . .   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Hey minna. I worked a lot harder on this chapter then I did the first. I AM sorry about the lack of detailing in the first chapter. What can I say, it was the first good story line to pop into my head after a four month battle with writer's block. That said, I do aim to please, and all of the constructive criticism and feedback I get inspires me to write bigger and better. So please review me. It only takes a minute, but it will feed my passion to write for many chapters and stories to come. Luv ya all. 

~Sailor Red~ 

This fic is copyright Sailor Red / Elaine Mahlecke March/April 2002 

Side note to Dee-chan -> Yes, I do believe it safe to copyright a fanfic, as long as the disclaimers for the show and the characters are in the fic. It's like when a poetry anthology comes out and they copyright the book format and layout, but not the actual poems within. K? 


	3. Rain

You're Gonna Carry That Weight   
By Sailor Red   
Cowboy Bebop and all its characters are copywrite 1998 Sunrise/Bandai   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Chapter Three   
Rain   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
"Miss Valentine? . . . Miss Valentine?" Faye opened her eyes slowly and the bright lights of the hospital made her squeeze them shut. She opened them again, squinting at the nurse who was bending down next to her, a gentle smile on her face. 

"Are you all right, Miss Valentine?" Faye sighed and rose to her feet, patting the nonexistent dirt off of her rear end. She didn't recognize the wing she was in, she hadn't really been paying attention when she was running like a deranged lunatic through the halls. The nurse looked at her, concern written across her features. Faye smiled as much as she could. It hurt to smile. It felt empty. 

"I'm fine . . . um, thanks." she told the other woman. The nurse breathed a sigh of relief. She smirked and put her hands on her hips. 

"You know, you really worried me for a second there. I tried to shake you and you didn't get up. I almost had to get the Doctor . . ." Faye squirmed slightly and scratched her head, laughing a laugh that held no mirth. 

"Er . . . I guess I'm just a little upset. . ." _'and going a little crazy'_ she added silently to herself, a painful lump settling in her throat. She felt like she was going to cry again, but she refused to. There was no point in it. It wasn't going to help her, it wasn't going to help Spike, and it wasn't going to help her convince everyone that she was 'OK.' Why did people have to worry about her, anyway? Why now, when they didn't give a shit about her before today? The nurse still had that sympathetic smile on her face and Faye had the urge to slap it off. What the hell was her problem, anyway? 

"I'd be upset, too in your situation . . ." The nurse started, and Faye looked up at her in confusion: she had totally lost track of the conversation. She had been too busy wallowing in her own self pity. ". . . I mean, back when you were here, you were being treated for amnesia, and now your friend's in the same room with the same problem . . ." 

Faye felt like she had been slapped in the face. Her eyes grew wide and she started trembling. _'That's right . . . room 624 . . .'_

_'Don't you remember, Faye? Oh, come on Faye, what's the matter? You don't remember this room? You don't remember this place? Don't you remember ANYTHING?'_ Faye recalled her mind's taunts from only and hour ago and felt tears once again fill her eyes. 

"Oh God . . ." Faye croaked out, the tears she had been holding in spilling down her face, landing with almost audible 'pats' on the floor. The nurse put a comforting hand on her shoulder, and for once, Faye didn't try to slap the gesture away. The other woman lifted Faye's chin with her finger and smiled gently. 

"I'm glad you're crying, Miss Valentine. You've always tried to be so strong and untouchable. It's not healthy for you to hold it in all the time . . ." Faye looked up at the nurse through tear filled eyes and smirked. The other woman wiped one of Faye's tears away and smiled warmly. Faye smiled back at the woman and then jumped with a sudden realization. She KNEW this woman! 

"Do . . . do I know you?" The nurse nodded, a hint of surprise on her features. 

"I'm Cathy. I brought you your lunch while you were here. I'm surprised you recognize me!" Faye nearly beamed. 

"I didn't remember you at first . . ." Faye smiled sheepishly "But I do now . . . " Cathy laughed. 

"Well, I'm glad." She smiled, then looked at her watch. "I'd love to talk more, Miss Valentine, but I have patients to attend to. I was asked to look for you and tell you that your friends are waiting for you on their ship. Visiting hours are over." Faye laughed half-heartedly. She looked down at the floor and then looked back up at the woman. 

"All right. I'll see you, then. Thanks." Faye replied and Cathy grinned. 

"No problem." The nurse answered. Faye then spun around and ran towards the door, giving a quick wave towards the nurse as she left. 

She slowed her pace when she reached the Red Tail, and took a deep breath. It seemed her moment of happiness was just that: a moment. As she climbed into her ship and set the coordinates for the Bebop, she could feel the tears try to come out again. Almost everything about Spike's amnesia was the same. There was only one thing that was different. The pain. The pain was greater this time than it was before. So much more that it was positively frightening. 

When she had woken up without any memories and tried to cope with it, it hurt, but the pain was almost bearable. She didn't know what she had lost, so it didn't hurt her that she had lost the moments. With Spike, however . . . She knew Spike. She had lived through some of the memories that Spike had lost. She knew some of the answers to the questions that Spike needed. 

She should have done something. She didn't do anything tangible to stop him from flying away from her and the Bebop. She blamed herself for Spike's amnesia. 

And she hated herself for that from the bottom of her heart. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
Spike sighed heavily as he was asked question after question by the doctor. The doc was constantly scribbling SOMETHING on his little memo pad, and Spike could only imagine what those little words were. Crazy, maybe? A little 'Dumb Ass' here and a 'Dip Shit' there? 

Spike smirked and the doctor grunted. 

"What's so funny?" Spike simply shook his head and smirked some more. The doc 'hmphed' and proceeded to check Spike's vitals, clicking his tongue at almost everything he viewed. Spike had the urge to punch the doctor. Those clicking sounds were getting on his nerves, and on top of that, they were EXTREMELY unnerving. What the hell was that doctor seeing on that screen, anyway? The doc turned back to Spike. 

"Your vitals are fine. You seem to be in perfect heath, er, minus the test we ran on your brain that proves you have amnesia." The doctor cleared his throat. "As soon as we get you on your feet again, you can leave." Spike stared at the doctor in confusion. 

"What do you mean, get me on my feet?" The doctor laughed. Spike clenched his fist and wondered what was so damn funny. 

"Why, physical therapy, of course! Have you TRIED to walk yet?" Spike growled and stubbornly sat up and swung his feet to the side of his bed. The doctor stared at him in disbelief and shock, as Spike tried to stand up and take a step. Spike could feel his muscles angrily protesting the pressure on his legs. He was almost instantly on the floor, cursing to himself. The doctor offered him a hand and Spike slapped it away, grabbing the metal bar on his bed and hoisting himself up and back onto the bed. The doctor just glared at him and made his way out the door. 

"Make yourself comfortable." he said irritably. "Cathy will be in here in a few minutes to bring you something to eat." The doctor shut the door, shaking his head. Spike sighed and laid down on the bed, staring up towards the ceiling, studying it as if it would give him some answers. He sighed and reached under his blanket and pulled out the pack of cigarettes he had swiped from the doctor. The nice thing about being a stubborn jackass and trying to walk when there was no way in hell it was possible after seven months off his feet, was that it made it VERY easy to swipe something from that unsuspecting doctor. The bad thing was, as Spike noticed the label on the box, that doctors over here seemed to have a thing for menthol. He swore at the offending pack, but took a cigarette out anyway. He swore again. 

No light. 

"What the FUCK! This day gets better and better!" he screamed sarcastically and threw the cigarette across the room. He sighed and plopped back to a laying position on the bed, once again staring at the ceiling. 

He didn't really want to think about anything. There wasn't anything to really think about. However, his mind wanted some stimulation, and he couldn't exactly say 'no' to it. It was upsetting to try and think when his head was nearly blank. He decided to try to think of what he knew, rather than what he didn't. There was something nagging in the back of his mind. That Faye woman. What was her problem? He had been joking around with her one minute, and the next, when he thought he had remembered something, she had run out the door, crying. Spike had known she was crying. That whole 'smoke in her eyes' thing was one hell of a lame excuse. She had said that she had been through the same thing he was going through right now. Did that mean that she had had amnesia, too? If she knew what this felt like, why the hell didn't she answer his fucking questions? Why didn't she give him something, anything, to hold onto? Any sort of little memory, any kind of trigger . . . a sound, a sight, a smell? Anything! 

She had given him names. Names that meant nothing to him except something to go with a couple of faces. Well, what the hell was that all about? She had looked pretty upset when he had mentioned Vicious and Julia . . . like there was something VERY relevant to his memory in the pictures that graced his left eye. He could get information from the context of these people and the places that they were in, but he didn't feel the feeling behind them. He didn't recognize the pain on his face for what it was, and he couldn't piece together the scenes because they needed some sort of memory to glue them together. 

It tore at him. It hurt like hell to be shown pictures and not remember where he had seen them before. It hurt even more than the knowledge he had forgotten a whole lot more than those two people. He gulped on air. 

_That's why Faye didn't tell me anything . . . she KNEW about this. She KNOWS what this is like . . . _Spike growled in frustration. No. He wasn't going to think anymore . . . it was too damn upsetting. He was just going to wait for that nurse to come in, he was going to eat, and then he was going to bed. He'd deal with all this sentimental shit when he was more awake and not jittering like a junkie from his nicotine cravings. He relaxed and tried to wipe all of the thoughts in his head, listening to the soft jazz coming from the room's speakers. He closed his eyes and let he music flow over him and calm him. The song ended and a new one started up, a discordant organ starting some song that seemed vaguely familiar . . . 

_I don't feel a thing_   
_And I stopped remembering_   
_The days are just like moments turned to hours . . ._

Spike's eye seemed to hurt like hell in an instant, and he shot up in bed, clutching his face in fear. A lump settled in his throat and he cried out. The song conjured images: unexplainably beautiful yet horridly haunting pictures drawn in thick coats of crimson red. 

_Mother used to say_   
_If you want, you'll find a way_   
_Bet mother never danced through fire shower_

There were people falling everywhere, and explosions echoing off the walls. One by one he took down men . . . 

_Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain_   
_I walk in the rain, in the rain_   
_Is it right or is it wrong_   
_and is it here that I belong?_

A cathedral . . . he was in a cathedral . . . stained glass windows were in every frame with their beauty a total opposite of the raw carnage going on inside its walls . . . 

_I don't hear a sound_   
_Silent faces in the ground_   
_The quiet screams, but I refused to listen_

Blood was everywhere, and he was numb. He had one goal in mind, and that was to get to the guy he came after: Vicious. 

_If there is a hell_   
_I'm sure this is how it smells_   
_wish this were a dream, but no, it isn't_

A crow came up in back of him. Surprised him. Tried to dig it's claws into him. Then that man . . . that silver haired man attacked him with his sword, the sound of it clanging off of his gun echoing over all of the other sounds in the cathedral. 

_Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain_   
_I walk in the rain, in the rain_   
_Am I right or am I wrong_   
_and is it here that I belong?_

Everything was silent except for the sound of Vicious and himself and their weapons. It was a heated battle, cruel words and un noble sentiments flying through the air. The words mixed with the smell of blood. It filled his senses and made him want to gag. Then he was falling. He had been pushed and he was falling, the beauty of a circular stained glass window shattered as he fell, the pieces not quite quick enough to fall alongside him. The pieces waited for him to fall so that they could cut them with their jagged edges when he landed. Then there was blackness. 

_Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain_   
_I walk in the rain, in the rain_   
_Why do I feel so alone_   
_for some reason I think of home._

Spike could barely breathe as the song faded out. He took deep breaths as he tried to calm himself, and rubbed his temples with his forefingers. The pain in his eye was gone, but his head was killing him. 

His head . . . 

Spike's eyes widened in a sudden realization: the images he had just seen had not come from his eye; those images came from his head! They were clear and emotional, and most certainly there. It was a horrible memory to get back, but it was a memory, nevertheless. A wide grin spread across his face. It was something. 

The nurse came in carrying a tray of some horrible, mangled looking . . . something. It was supposed to be food. Spike wasn't really paying attention to it, he was too fixated on what had just happened. The poor nurse took one look at the man and stepped back. He was grinning like a lunatic! 

"Um . . . Mr. Spiegel?" Cathy asked cautiously, gripping the "food" tray for dear life. Spike jumped in surprise. "Mr. Spiegel, are you . . . okay?" Spike nodded and nearly ripped the food tray out of her hand, getting ready to dig in . . . until he actually looked at it . . . 

The nurse breathed a sigh of relief: He seemed to be fine. 

Spike looked at what was in front of him and poked it with his fork. He jumped back as it wiggled . . . and it wasn't gelatin . . . He sighed, plugged his nose, and dug in. The nurse seemed to be afraid of him again. She finally shrugged and smiled. 

"You know, Mr. Spiegel, you're only the second person I've actually seen eat that stuff." Spike shrugged. 

"And the first?" Cathy smiled. 

"Faye Valentine." Spike looked up to the nurse in confusion, and she smiled, seeming to know what he was asking. "She was a patient here a little over three years ago. Actually, she had the same room as you do right now. It's a little odd . . ." Spike's face fell. No wonder the woman had been so upset . . . He sighed. 

"Hey . . . Um, Cathy, right?" The nurse nodded. "Is there anyway for me to get in touch with Jet or Faye?" Cathy looked at Spike quizzically, then shook her head. 

"They didn't leave a number . . . so . . ." Spike looked down to his now empty plate. 

"Oh." He blinked and shrugged. "Oh well." He really wanted to tell someone about what had just happened, but he'd be damned if he'd tell the nurse or the doctor. He already had had enough stupid tests done on him for one day. Cathy frowned. 

"I'm sorry, I really wish I could help you . . . I'm sure they'll be here to visit tomorrow . . ." Spike's features seemed to brighten. 

"Ok." He said, trying to hide the fact that he was happy that the people who he had 'met' today weren't just going to up and leave him here. His eyes brightened further as he thought up his next question for the helpful nurse. 

"Hey . . ." He put on his most charming smile. "Cathy . . . you happen to have a lighter or a book of matches on you?" Cathy laughed and rolled her eyes, then reached into her pocket and pulled out a lighter. She handed it to him and nearly fell to the floor in fits of giggles as Spike fumbled for a cigarette and lit it with shaky hands, taking a drag with a face that could only have been described as ecstasy. She stared at him like he was a lunatic again, then shook her head and left the room, leaving her lighter with him. He obviously needed it a lot more than she did . . . 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
To be continued . . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey minna. Hope you liked this little installment . . . things should pick up a bit in the next chapter . . . I'm sorry that Spike is a little OOC, but considering that he himself doesn't know what he's supposed to be like right now . . . I dunno, it doesn't seem to be bugging any of you, but it's bugging me a little. Anyway . . . I seem to have made this chapter into a lil song fic . . . usually that's something I've tried to stay away from, but a big part of Cowboy Bebop is the music, and well, it fit. What can I say. Music is an excellent memory trigger. 

Um, if I can swing it in between the essay I have to write for my comp one class, I'll try to get the next chapter up tomorrow. Otherwise, it will definitely be up by the 8th. ^_^ Ja!

This fic is copyright March/April 2002 Sailor Red/Elaine Mahlecke

The song used in this fic, "Rain" belongs to Yoko Kanno and the Seatbelts, and can be found on the first Cowboy Bebop soundtrack.   
  



	4. What Emptiness is Like . . .

You're Gonna Carry That Weight   
By Sailor Red   
Cowboy Bebop belongs to Sunrise Inc. / Bandai Ent   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Chapter 4   
What Emptiness is Like . . .   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Jet walked down the corridors of the hospital, his head swimming in negative thoughts. He felt more and more uneasy with every step he took towards Spike's room, Faye silently striding next to him, Ed running ahead with Ein nipping at her heals. Jet didn't want to enter that hospital room and see Spike's blank gaze. He didn't want to feel the sinking in his stomach that he knew he was going to feel when Spike said 'hi' to him like Jet was some sort of acquaintance and not the long time friend he was. He felt like shit, and he looked it as well. The hair he had was not groomed, there were dark circles under his eyes, and he couldn't help but think about the two of his bonsai's he had totally butchered last night from carelessness due to his drifting thoughts and worries about the fluffy haired man. 

Faye didn't look much better. She walked like she was simply going through the motions. She felt like she was walking the footsteps of some random nurse or doctor from her past that had tread the same path when going to check up on her. She didn't want to be here, but she was compelled by some unimaginable force that caused her to feel for a man she had done nothing but fight with in the past. She was lead by her memories of her own pain and suffering that had occurred only three years ago, in the same hospital, in the same room, and in the same bed. 

Even Ed looked a little worse for the wear. She wasn't as cheerful as usual, and seemed much quieter since she had seen Spike and Spike hadn't recognized her. So Ed ran. She didn't run away from the problem, but she didn't run to it either. She just ran, focused on the running instead of her thoughts which were sure to push her down should she think them. Ed would not slow down. She'd go and see Spike and then use an excuse to get out for a while . . . then she would run back. She couldn't stand in the same place for too long. She couldn't stop running, or she would cry. And Ed didn't cry. She was the ever cheerful one and would not allow herself to bring anyone else any further down then they already were. Everyone was stressed out enough already. She would not be the cause of anyone else's further worry or concern. That job was Spike's, as it always had been and probably always would be. 

Ed reached for the doorknob to Spike's room, but another hand was placed on it before she could turn it. Nurse Cathy's hand. 

"I'm sorry, Mr. Speigel isn't to have visitors until eleven this morning. He has to do some physical therapy . . ." Ed just blinked at the woman, shrugged and ran back to Jet and Faye. 

Jet and Faye weren't as nonchalant as Ed. No, they weren't indifferent at all . . . they were pissed. The two of them went over to the nurse, Faye glared at Cathy . . . Jet angrily badgered the woman with questions. 

"Why the hell didn't you tell us he'd be doin' physical therapy? What's wrong with him? What aren't you telling us?" Jet fumed. Cathy gave a 'help me' look to Faye and Faye jumped slightly as if a realization had dawned on her. She poked Jet in the shoulder. 

"Er . . . Jet . . ." She started. Jet spun around fiercely. 

"What!?" Faye rolled her eyes. 

"Why don't you calm the fuck down. Spike's been off his feet a while. Christ. He probably needs to work on his legs a little." Jet glared at her for a minute and Faye just rolled her eyes again and turned to Cathy. "Is that it?" The nurse nodded and then scratched her head. 

"I'm sorry I upset you Mr. Black . . . I didn't mean to hide anything from you, and I don't mean to keep you away from your friend, It's just that Mr. Speigel requested that you people would not see him when he's doing his physical therapy." She smirked. "I think he may be self-conscious . . ." Jet laughed at that and shook his head. 

"Spike, self conscious? Hell no. He was probably just trying to make it look like he cared about if we worried about him or not . . ." Jet said bitterly, clenching his fist uncomfortably. Damn Spike. Damn him and his manipulative shit. Once eleven o'clock rolled around he was going to give that man a piece of his mind.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The instant the physical therapist walked out of Spike's room, Jet stormed in. His anger had not cooled down in the hour long wait he had been forced to go through, no, it had increased. However, when he saw Spike upon entering the room, his anger seemed to fade away. 

Spike was sitting up in bed, a cocky grin on his face, a cigarette dangling lazily from his right hand. The green haired man's eyes held a mischievous glint to them, and Jet just stared at the man in shock. 

Spike looked like Spike. He didn't look like the stranger that had looked to him the day before and asked him who the hell he was. He didn't look like the lost child that had looked up to him and Faye, begging for answers. He looked like he knew some hilarious joke that he was just dying to tell Jet . . . but it also looked like he was waiting. He seemed to be holding out for someone or something else before he was going to get to the punch line, and immediately Jet wanted to know the joke. 

Faye ran into the room like she was prepared to pry Jet's hands from Spike's neck. So, she was shocked when she entered and saw Jet just standing there, dumbfounded. She looked past him to Spike and gasped. Something was up. Something was most definitely up . . . 

"I had a dream last night . . . " Spike spoke up, grinning ear to ear, delighting in the way he was making the two squirm. He took a long drag of his cigarette. "I had a dream, and in it . . . I was blown out of a cathedral window." Faye put her hand to her mouth and Spike laughed. "You still tone deaf, Faye?" Faye forced herself to only crack a grin through her shock. She didn't want to let Spike see how much that tiny comment had affected her. Her heart was beating wildly and she had to gulp down the cheerful shriek she wanted to let out like some five year old who had just been handed a lollipop. She had to resist the sudden urge to run up to the man and give him a bear hug. She shouldn't be this excited. It was just Spike after all . . . 

"I never was tone-deaf, you asshole, you just can't tell talent when you hear it." She stuck her nose in the air jokingly. She was about to say something else but . . . 

"Spike . . . you get your memory back?!" Jet was kinda slow on the uptake today . . . he had heard Spike's words when he had said them, but they just didn't click. Spike's face fell and he flicked his cigarette's ashes on the floor. 

"No. Just that one. Heard a song on the radio and . . . well, I got the feelings behind the pictures in my eye . . ." Jet's face fell. Faye frowned . . . there was something nagging her about this whole situation. She mentally shook it off. It was probably nothing. 

Then again . . . 

"Spike . . . you've got an image of me in that eye?" Jet jumped and stared at Faye like she had grown an extra head. The purple haired woman was looking directly at Spike, her eyes set and unwavering. Spike looked at her quizzically. 

"Well . . . yeah . . . " he answered, looking at the woman in confusion. Why did she look so shocked? Why did it look like she was going to cry? Why did he care . . . and, more importantly, why did he care that he cared? 

Faye visibly gulped. 'No' she thought to herself. _'No, Faye, you will not cry. What the hell is wrong with you lately, anyway? You were never this soft before. You were tough. You were untouchable . . . so why do you care? Why do you care that . . . that you're a part of his dream . . . that there's an image of you in his dream eye . . . why the HELL do you care?'_ she shook her head. _'Enough. Cut the shit, Faye. Stop thinking.'_

"Why?" Spike spoke, and Faye barely managed to catch herself from jumping. 

"Huh?" Spike almost looked uncomfortable for a moment, like he had said something he didn't mean to say out loud. He recovered, though. 

"Why do you want to know?" Faye smiled. She could get out of this one. At least for now . . . 

"Spike, I told ya I wasn't going to tell you shit about yourself, so don't ask." Spike smirked. 

"Fine, then I won't tell you anything else I remember." Faye's eyes narrowed and she clenched her fists. She walked over to Spike and slapped him. Hard. Fire lined her eyes. How the fuck could he say something like that? How COULD he!? 

"What the FUCK Faye!" 

"What the hell is wrong with you, Spike?! Haven't you figured it out yet?! Don't fucking joke about that shit to me, all right! Don't fucking DO that to me!" Spike's eyes narrowed and went cold. 

"What are you talking about?" 

"I have my reason's for not telling you anything. You MUST have felt something when you were getting all of those pictures fed to your fucked up little brain . . . how did it fucking feel to have a memory so close you can taste it, but you can't reach it? I won't fucking tell you anything, 'cause I know how that feels. I fucking know . . . and I don't want you to have to go through it anymore than you have to. I'm dying to just break down and tell you everything . . . but it'll just . . . you know what, Spike, SCREW YOU!" Faye screamed. The final straw had been pulled and she had broken. She wanted to hold back her anger. She didn't want to be screaming at him . . . 

She didn't want to see the look that was in Spike's eyes when she rose her head to meet them. 

Hurt. She had hurt him. She had never hurt him before . . . at least, not that she had ever seen. She felt guilty, and she hated it. She didn't want to feel guilty right now, she wanted to be angry. She wanted to be untouchable . . . but deep down she knew she wasn't. She wasn't even close. That damn green haired man made her venerable, and she HATED it. She wanted to run from it; She wanted to run from HIM. 

He was making her feel. 

Faye didn't want to feel . . . she wanted to be numb. She wanted to simply not care about anything or anyone. But Spike . . . Spike had fucked her up. He had gone and reduced her to tears again and again and again. Faye scowled, grabbed her cigarettes, and walked calmly out of the room, ignoring the sound of Spike's surprised call of her name. 

Faye Valentine would not let herself attack herself through that man again. She needed to get her bearings. She was sick of being weak. She was sick of . . . 

"FAYE! Where the hell do you think you're going?!" Faye spun around in shock . . . how the . . . how did Spike . . . how did Spike get to his doorway? The man was leaning against the door frame, holding onto it for dear life, and panting from effort. Jet was close behind. Faye clenched her fists, looked at Jet, and turned away from Spike. "Faye . . . " 

"Leave me alone, Spike. I'm sick of caring. You don't need me, Spike, you have Jet. He actually gives a shit about you, so don't bother with me." Faye was cold, but despite that, she felt the urge to vomit at her words. She was being a bitch. Well, that was how she was supposed to act, right? Then why did she feel so damn guilty? 

"Fuck you, Faye. I need you here, and you're gonna run out? You're the only one who knows what this is like . . . what this emptiness is like . . ." Spike's voice faded out, and Jet yelled out suddenly in surprise. 

Spike had collapsed.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

To Be Continued . . . 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Yeah, it's a little cliffhanger . . . I'm sorry this part is so short, it's just that my work schedule is insane this weekend, and I promised I'd get this up for the 8th, so . . . 

Well, I shall see you with part 5 very soon. I've gotta do me some brainstorming for the next part. (Yes, I will actually use a legitimate writing process next chapter GASP!) -_-; 

Ja! 

This fic copyright March/April 2002 Sailor Red / Elaine Mahlecke 


	5. Haunted

You're Gonna Carry That Weight   
By Sailor Red   
Cowboy Bebop belongs to Sunrise inc, Bandai ent. and not me.   
Quotes in *'s are from the song Haunted by Poe   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Chapter 5   
Haunted   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

_*"Come here, pretty please._   
_Can you tell me where I am?_   
_You, won't you say something?_   
_I need to get my bearings._   
_I'm lost and the shadows keep on changing . . ."*_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Faye didn't have to think twice as she saw Spike fall to the floor. She ran. 

She ran away, all things blurring through her misty eyes, all of the beeps meshing together, all of the antiseptic smells nonexistent in her mad dash to the door. This was her only chance. This was her only chance to get out of here, to get away from the memories, to get away from him. A good part of her, no, an enormous part of her wanted to stay, wanted to be there, wanted to make sure that Spike was all right. But the part of her that didn't want her to stay, that stubborn, unreasonable part of her that screamed for her freedom, forced her to run. She couldn't take this anymore. She was losing her sense of self, and how the hell was she supposed to help anyone remember themselves if she didn't quite know who she was? But still . . . 

But still . . . 

She wanted to stay. She wanted to help. She wanted more than anything else to turn and run back, to tell Spike that she was sorry. To explain things to him. Not that he'd care, but . . . 

She didn't want to go. She didn't _ever_ want to leave his side. And that's what terrified her. 

So she left the building, jumping into the Red Tail and setting her coordinates before she had a chance to change her mind. Once they were set, there was no going back. She didn't have enough propellant to turn around and return to the hospital . . . not without bringing in some money first. Her bounty was still on Ganymede, and that was a good a place as any to get her mind off of everything happening on Mars. It was a good way to forget Spike for a while. She had to forget him, or she'd go mad. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

It had been two weeks, and Jet hadn't heard from Faye since she had run out. What the hell had she been thinking? Spike had merely suffered from exhaustion, his day of physical therapy and then his mad adrenaline spurned run to the door had caused him to pass out from overexertion. So why had Faye run? She could have at least stayed to find out if Spike was okay, but no, she had just disappeared like she didn't care if his collapse had been his death. It hadn't been that bad, not even close, but still. What the hell was wrong with that woman? 

Spike had not shown any mental improvements since then, but physically he was doing fine and that was enough for the doctor to hand Jet the release papers. Spike could walk, so he was just taking up space in the hospital is what the doc had said. There was nothing else to do for him. The rest was up to him alone. 

Jet walked to his room to tell him the news, only to see Ed already dragging him out into the hall, his shirt barely on him. Jet chuckled a bit. It was so like Ed to be overexcited. Not that he wasn't excited to get Spike out of this damn hospital, and he wasn't exactly mad that there wouldn't be any more crazy hospital bills to pay, but he wasn't sure what to do with the man now that he could get him out. Was it _safe _to bring him aboard the Bebop, or would that be too much for him? Faye had said something about . . . wait. He was going to listen to Faye? Hell no. The Bebop it would have to be. 

"Got a cigarette Jet?" Jet grunted and glared at Spike for a short moment before handing him a smoke. He wasn't sure what was more expensive, the hospital bills or supporting the green haired man's habit. He'd have to get him back to work soon, or Ed would be serving Shitake again . . . maybe that would be good for Spike . . . Jet smirked and shook his head. What the hell was he thinking?! He sighed. 

"I'm gonna make you pay for those someday . . . Gonna hafta make you work." Spike stared at Jet and shrugged. 

"Don't know how, Jet. What exactly do I do?" Jet grimaced. What was he supposed to tell him? _'You shoot people, kill some, and make almost nothing for risking your life . . .' _Jet shrugged in an attempt to cover up his discomfort. 

"Er . . . just clean the ship and stuff." Spike looked at the bald man quizzically. That didn't seem right . . . 

"You're shitting me. I'm not cleaning your damn ship, what the hell do I look like? What did I do before to bring in the money?" Jet rounded on him, his eyes flaring. 

"You nearly got yourself killed is what you did, and that just put us in the fucking hole! Besides, I'm not supposed to tell you anything, and taking you back aboard the ship is bad enough. I'll probably be killed for bringing you back to the Bebop if Faye . . ." At the mention of the purple haired woman Spike's eyes flickered with . . . something. Pain? Betrayal? Abandonment? Some kind of weird mixture of emotions that Jet couldn't quite put his finger on. The whole situation since Faye had left had been weird. Spike seemed . . . a little overemotional. Not aloud, of course, but internally. Jet had been his partner long enough to be able to read Spike pretty well, and there was something definitely . . . off. He had tried to avoid mentioning the woman, but when he was angry, well, that was another story. Jet sighed. 

"You know what, Spike, when we get there, just sit on the damn couch and do nothing but drink beers and smoke all day. That should be a better plan for you. When you get your memory back though, you're getting back to work." Spike smiled mischievously. 

"With that kinda life, maybe I won't want to tell you . . . " Jet just shook his head, not bothering to let Spike's statement bother him. What _was _starting to bother him more and more with each passing day was that Spike seemed to be the same old Spike, except for his venerability issues. His personality, his mannerisms, _everything_ was the same but his memory and his odd way of zoning out like he was trying to find something, creasing his brow, flicking his cigarette roughly, and cursing under his breath as the memory and his cigarette slipped through his fingers. Jet pulled a cigarette out and lit it as he led Spike out the hospital door. It was going to be a long night. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Faye sighed as she sat down on the familiar yellow couch of the Bebop. Jet had been foolish enough to leave the access code to the ship unchanged, and she had gotten inside easily . . . almost too easily. She lit a cigarette and popped open the top of a beer she had stolen from the fridge, relaxing on the couch, trying to calm her aggravated mind. She had read the damn bounty pay out incorrectly. It turned out that she didn't get a million for it, only a hundred thousand. That hundred thousand had been barely enough for her to repair damages on her Red Tail and get enough gas to make it back to Mars. Well, the orbit of Mars, anyway. 

She had seemed to have gotten herself back on track. In fact, the moment she had stepped foot on Ganymede, things were as they were when she thought that Spike was dead. Sure, she thought about him once in a while, but the majority of the time she had immersed herself in her bounty, a little gambling, and a lot of drinking, all of which helped her to temporarily forget. She didn't seem so on edge all of the time and that was a great load off of her shoulders. Now if she could just figure out a way to get down to Mars, give a proper good bye to Spike, and get out of the way of everyone she had ever become attached to, she'd be fine, and she'd be able to be the same old Faye again. 

The same old Faye. Faye bit her lip. Now that she actually thought about it, she didn't know who the old Faye was. Was it the cheerful girl who taped a message to her older self in the future, was it the lost, bitter woman who couldn't remember her past, or was it the sentimental feminine person she had been lately? She sighed and put her beer on the table, taking a long drag of her cigarette and blowing the smoke towards the ceiling. She cursed. What the hell was she doing? Why the hell was she stressing over this? She was herself. Why couldn't she just follow her heart and do things without overanalyzing them? Why couldn't she just live day for day for her, and not worry about what anyone thought of her? Wasn't that the old Faye? Why did she care about tying up the loose strings with her little dysfunctional 'family?' Why couldn't she have just stayed on Ganymede and found another bounty? Why was she asking herself so many damn rhetorical questions? 

She picked up her beer and took a long swig of it, only to spit it out in disbelief at a figure in the doorway. Spike. Faye blinked away her shocked expression as Jet came marching into the room, looking like he was going to shove his fist in her gut and pull out her intestines. 

"What the hell are you doing here?! You think you can just break into my ship, steal my beer, and sit on my couch anytime you feel like it!?" Jet was right up in front of Faye's face practically spitting. Spike walked over calmly and swung his hand in-between the space separating the two. 

"Jet, shut up." Jet rounded on Spike. 

"What the hell did you just say?!" Spike's eyes narrowed, and Jet stepped back. What the fuck was that look for?! 

"I said shut up! My fucking head's been killing me since we got in the hangar." He yelled and then softened his voice. "Just . . . yell at her when I'm not in the room." He turned to Faye and pointed at her beer. 

"Where'd you get that?" Faye stared at him unemotionally and took a sip from her can. 

"Find it yourself." Jet glared at her and Spike looked at her in confusion. She blinked innocently, then stared Spike in the eye. "I'm fucking serious Spike, go find it yourself . . . christ. It's not that hard." She sighed. "I don't know why you want it. Smart of you to want a beer when you've got a headache, Spike, really smart." She said sarcastically, and Spike growled and started walking around the chamber. 

It was so familiar, yet so strange and unknown. The whole area riddled his head with questions. The table was familiar, the couch, all of the pipes and rails and stairs screamed out at him like they wanted to tell him something. However, they were inanimate objects, and they couldn't talk. The only two in the room that could weren't saying anything, so Spike just sighed. 

He jumped when he realized the area he was in. Somehow he had subconsciously maneuvered himself to the cooler, somehow he had remembered where the beer was. Faye smiled like the smart ass that she was and Jet just stared at the woman in disbelief. Jet threw his hands in the air. 

"All right, Faye, fine. You can stay." Faye raised her eyebrow and smirked. 

"I was going to anyway. Can't exactly go anywhere with my ship out of gas, I was gonna ask you for some but . . ." Okay, so it was a downright lie. She wasn't planning on staying when she had come here, but she might as well. Carpe Diem and all that. Besides, if she left, Jet would baby Spike and Spike would never get his memory back. She couldn't allow that to happen . . . well, no that was another lie. She could . . . but she wouldn't. If she got sentimental along the way, fine. If she got lost, fine, and if she had little spouts of happiness, well, that was fine too. She was sick of following her brain. It was well past time she let her emotions have their chance. 

Faye was startled out of her thoughts by the pop of Spike's beer can and his plopping on the couch beside her. He didn't look at her, but she knew he was upset. She sighed. Jet seemed to notice some sort of tension and he made a lame excuse about watering his bonsai's, leaving the room. Faye sighed again. 

"What are you sighing about?" Faye smirked. 

"Oh, hi Spike, how ya doing. Now that you're done answering your important beer question you can take the time to talk to me. God, I'm so flattered." Spike turned to her and glared. 

"I don't owe you any hello when you don't even bother a good-bye. I fucking trusted you to help me with my little problem and you ran away. So you know what Faye, let me repeat your little sentiment to you. Screw you, Faye. Don't even bother." With that, Spike got up and made his way to leave. Faye's heart seemed to skip a beat in dread and guilt. She ran up behind him and wrapped her arms around him from behind, tears spilling down her cheeks. Spike stiffened in shock, his eyes widening in his surprise. 

"I'm sorry Spike . . . I'm so sorry . . ." she started, resting her forehead on his back. "If you want . . . If you want to know . . . this whole situation is killing me. I've told you a few times that I've been through what you're going through before . . . but what's really bugging me . . . what hurts the most is that I know the answers to a lot of your questions, and I know how much you want them answered, but I . . . I just can't tell you so many things. I want to. I really do. All I can do is help guide you to finding the answers for yourself. I . . . " Faye shook and gripped the fabric on Spike's back. "I want to help you . . . I want to help you through this . . . but I end up this sobbing mess every time I try . . . every time I try and every time I have to hold my tongue when all I want to do is answer all your questions and put your mind to rest. God . . . I know . . . I know what you're going through . . . I want to take all the uncertainty away . . . but I . . . I . . . " Spike clenched his fists and spun around. Faye gasped as she saw tears running down his face and gasped again as he took her into his arms and held her close, whispering into her ear. 

"Help me. Please, Faye . . . get me back . . . I want to know who I am . . ."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
_*"Come here, no I won't say please, one more look at the ghost before I'm gonna make it leave_   
_Come here, I got the pieces here, time to gather up the splinters, build a casket for my tears_   
_I'm haunted by the lives that I have loved_   
_I'm haunted by the hallways in this tiny room, the echo there of me and you, the voices that are carrying this tune_   
_Ba da pa pa, Ba da pa pa"*_   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

To Be Continued . . . 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Yay. Here ends part 5, part 6 should be up soon. ^_^ Luv ya minna, please leave a review on your way out, I appreciate it. 

This fic copy write March/April 2002 Sailor Red / Elaine Mahlecke 


	6. Leaving?

You're Gonna Carry That Weight   
By Sailor Red   
Cowboy Bebop belongs to Sunrise Inc / Bandai ent. 1998 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Chapter 6 

Leaving? 

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Spike held onto Faye for dear life. He held onto her for something secure, for something sure, for something tangible. He held onto her because he was confused and because Faye had already done so much to take away as much confusion that she could possibly bear. He held onto her because she knew what he was going through, and her empathetic words helped soothe his soul in more ways than she could ever possibly understand. The purple haired woman had done so much for him already, just by caring. She had put up as good naturedly as possible with his taunts and she had made him laugh. She put things into perspective for him and she did all that she could to help him. She gave him advice that no one else was able to offer. She had opened herself to him and had told him, even through her obstinate attitude and clouded goals, what to do to help him remember. 

He cried on her shoulder for comfort. He cried on her shoulder for peace in his tormented mind. He cried on her shoulder to forget his worries, because Faye had become his savior from himself. 

Faye stood in shock and disbelief. She could feel Spike's tears soak through her blouse and wet her skin. Spike was crying. Spike was actually asking her for help. Faye felt tears once again prick her emerald eyes. Spike had gotten to the point of wishing death. 

He may not have realized it himself yet, but he was there. There was no other feeling quite like it. Faye recalled it with great clarity. When she felt like she had nothing, when she felt like no one cared, that everyone would rather she'd be gone, she wished that she was dead. Faye had wished this many a time during the period in which she knew nothing. It was nothing like going out and fighting, knowing that you may not come home alive. No, it was something completely different, something so deep that the fortunate have never felt it. It was the point where she would take her gun and point it at her own head and want to pull the trigger. It was the point that she would take a knife and cut herself just to feel. It was the point where she would swallow a bottle of sleeping pills and hope that she would never wake up. That was the point she had gotten to when Whitney had pulled his betrayal shit on her. She had thought he had cared and he had betrayed her. After Whitney there really _was_ no one else who cared about her. There was no one else who took the time to get to know her . . . 

And then she met Spike and the rest of the Bebop crew. God knows it took a while for them to accept her, but eventually they did. It wasn't one of those sappy families where they hugged and told everyone else that they loved each other, but it was a home, a family, a place where she felt she was cared for and was secure. 

Even though the crew would never admit to caring about her, she knew they did. They wouldn't have let her stick around if they didn't. 

Jet was like a father figure, always shaking a finger at her and yelling at her when she did something stupid. He was also the mother figure, (if Faye hadn't been so upset by her current situation she'd be laughing at this thought) Jet fixed problems and did the cooking, god awful as the food tasted . . . 

Ed was like her little sister. She was care free and brought laughter when it was needed, and advice, however clouded by goofiness it was. She could annoy the hell out of her, but Faye had to admit that she cared about that crazy little brat. 

Ein, of course, was the pet dog. 

Spike. Well, Spike was hard to put her finger on . . . hell, if she didn't know that deep down, Spike still loved his dream of Julia . . . 

Faye pushed Spike off of her without thinking. He had still been crying when he was ripped away from what he thought was a secure space to hang his head, and his eyes dried. He stood in front of Faye, his eyes wide with shock . . . and fear. 

What had he done? He hadn't been thinking and he had jumped into Faye's arms, and he had been crying. He had probably scared the hell out of her. 

Then again, all he did was ask her for her help. . . and she had pushed him away. Fuck! What the hell was he yelling at himself for?! Faye had pushed him away. He had needed her . . . Wait, fuck that, he didn't need her . . . what the hell did he care if she cared! 

He glared at her and ran out of the room. He wanted to be somewhere, anywhere but here. He had thought that she gave a damn. He had thought that she wanted to help him . . . but . . . Damn her! 

He slammed right into Ed. 

"Nyahh! What is Spike-person doing?!" Ed leapt up off of the floor she had landed on and rubbed her head. "Owww!" Spike righted himself and stared at Ed in confusion. He had to take a second to realize that he had just run out on Faye without really thinking . . . well, what the hell had he been thinking?! He had gone and gotten angry at her for no good fucking reason . . . then again, he didn't see her running up the hall after him either . . . 

He was pulled out of his thoughts by Ed grabbing his hand and yanking it, her eyes bright with mischief. 

"Come here! Ed wants to show Spike-spike something good!" Spike, confused, followed the girl as she wove in and out of corridors. Had she hit her head too hard?! 

Finally they entered a room that Spike didn't get _anything_ from. There were no whispers in his head about this place, almost as if he _knew_ he had never been in here before . . . 

"This is Faye-Faye's room!" Spike let a chuckle slip . . . no wonder he didn't get anything from this room . . . "Here, look at this . . . it's really good!" 

Ed had turned on the old beta deck and was playing Faye's tape. Spike's mouth widened in shock . . . there was something way too familiar about this . . . 

And then, without warning, another memory overtook Spike as he watched the screen, as he watched the memories that Faye had watched at a time that she didn't remember. He remembered watching this tape with Jet and Ed. He remembered Faye hiding in the hallway, watching, tears in her eyes . . . 

_"Is this me?" _Faye . . . 

_"I have my reason's for not telling you anything. You MUST have felt something when you were getting all of those pictures fed to your fucked up little brain . . . how did it fucking feel to have a memory so close you can taste it, but you can't reach it? I won't fucking tell you anything, 'cause I know how that feels. I fucking know . . . and I don't want you to have to go through it anymore than you have to. . ." _Faye . . . 

_"God . . . I know . . . I know what you're going through . . . I want to take all the uncertainty away . . . but I . . . I . . ." _Faye . . . 

Spike ran out of the room, away from the tape, the memory of Faye seeing her memories on a television screen running rampant in his mind. He had felt sorry for her then, he had felt bad that Jet had made her leave the room, even though she _had _left him with quite a bill to pay . . . but now . . . 

Oh god, he felt like Jet and himself had been monsters. It was for a completely different reason that he was mad at himself now, then when he was upset with himself then. Right now, he felt horrible that she had seen the tape at all. He should have shoved her out of the room when she had refused to pay for the COD charges . . . but no, he had allowed her to see an image of herself that she couldn't remember at the time. He had inadvertently put her through the pain and suffering that Faye had been doing everything and anything to protect him from. He felt like there wasn't a more horrible thing he could have ever done to Faye than that. 

He had to find her. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Faye punched a few buttons on her Red Tail. She had just stolen enough fuel from Jet's Hammerhead to get her away from here, far enough away to forget Spike. How _dare _she?! How could she be so wrapped up in herself when Spike was crying on her shoulder, begging for help? Spike had to be pissed off at her. He had to be hurt . . . she had pushed him away when he had need him most! No, she was going to get out of here. She wasn't going to let herself hurt that man anymore. 

And she wasn't going to let her heart tell her anymore of it's goddamned lies. 

Faye recalled her train of thought. The one that scared her enough to push Spike away . . . and she mentally finished it . . . 

_'If I didn't know that deep down, Spike still loves his dream of Julia . . . If I knew that he could possibly ever love me back . . . I could fall in love with him . . . '___

Faye angrily pushed her ignition switch. GOD DAMMIT!! How could she! How in god's name could she have fallen in love with that insensitive, dip shit, crazy, son of a bitch! Faye mentally shook off all of the _good_ reasons that had suddenly crept into her head. She was _not_ going to let herself start thinking like some stupid teenage girl with a crush on her next door neighbor. No, she was going to get the hell out of here and ignore the fact that such a horrendous thought had ever crossed her mind. There was no way that Spike could ever love her. She just wasn't his type. She wasn't mysterious, blonde, manipulative, fucked in the head, Julia . .. She was the 'Tomboy' that he hated so much. She was the outspoken, loud, bitchy woman that he had told her many, many times that he hated in a woman. Well, fine. Fuck it. She was leaving. 

Spike ran into the hanger, a gun in his hand pointed straight at her. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

To Be Continued . . . 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Mwah ha ha haaaa. Cliffy! ^_^ Next Chapter will be up on Monday, and it should be a doozy. At least, that's what I'm planning . . . ^_^ 

Ja! 

This fic is copywrite March / April 2002 Sailor Red / Elaine Mahlecke 


	7. Guns, Death, and Memories

You're Gonna Carry That Weight

By Sailor Red

Cowboy Bebop belongs to Bandai ent. / Sunrise inc. 

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Chapter 7

Guns, Death, and Memories

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Spike glared at Faye, his hand unwavering as he clutched his gun and aimed at her. That bitch was trying to take off again. First she had pushed him away when he had asked her for help, and now she was trying to ditch him. He wasn't going to let her go and run off again. Now that he had the strength to stop her, he sure as hell was going to.

"Get out of the ship, Faye!" He yelled and pulled the hammer back on his pistol. "Get out of the fucking ship now, or I'll make you!"

Faye stared at Spike through the window of her Red Tail. What the hell was that man thinking? She was doing this for him! She had done nothing but upset him since she had waltzed back into his life. She gulped and tried to look unemotional, lighting a cigarette and blowing the smoke towards the roof.

"I'm leaving Spike, get out of the way." Spike narrowed his eyes. God damn her! Why didn't she understand? He . . . well, as much as he hated to admit it, he needed her. He needed her wisecracks, he needed her annoying self righteous personality, and he needed her empathetic words. How the hell was he going to get through this without her?

"No. If you're going to get out of here, you're going to have to run me over." Faye's eyes softened. Death. Spike wanted death. He would rather be dead then have her leave.

Faye's heart dropped to her stomach. She had been so stupid! Spike had been begging for her help back there, and she had not just pushed him away, but now she was trying to run off and leave him. She had wanted to keep from hurting him again.

What a fucking laugh. She was going to hurt him a whole lot more if she ran off and abandoned him when he . . . 

Oh God. He needed her.

Faye switched the ignition off and hopped out of the Red Tail.

"Drop your gun, Spike." Spike didn't lower the weapon an inch. She was still too close to that damn ship. She could still take off and leave him with nothing. He had realized in the last few hours that Faye was the one who triggered his memories. He didn't know how she did it, but she did. Every time he had remembered something it had been because Faye was around or he was following some sort of advice that she had given him. So, if she wasn't around, then he might as well be dead. Without Faye around, his life would have no meaning.

"I don't think so, Faye. Get away from your ship." Faye's eyes narrowed and she growled.

"Listen to me, Spike. I could have run your sorry ass over and left you splattered there, but I didn't. I wouldn't do it then, and I'm not going to hop into my ship and do it now. So lower your fucking gun . . ." Faye didn't flinch as she pulled out her own pistol. "Or I'll lower it for you."

They stood in a stalemate for quite a while, neither one of the stubborn two wanting to concede to the other's orders. They both had their reasons not to drop their weapons. Spike was unreasonably afraid that Faye was going to leave, no matter how much he hated the fact that he feared such a thing. Faye was simply trying to get Spike to get rid of his gun. However, it was not fear of getting shot that compelled her to try to convince him to put it away, it was trying to see if _he_ feared being shot. 

If Spike lost Faye, he would lose himself.

If Faye didn't get Spike to willingly choose life over death, she might lose him forever.

"Spike, I want to help you, but I can't do anything unless you want to live. I'm going to count to three, and then if you don't lower your gun, I'm going to shoot." Faye said flatly and stared at Spike through unemotional eyes. 

Spike felt a chill run up his spine. Was she serious? Would she actually go and do something like that? Did she hate him that much?

"One." If Faye hated him, then why should he bother dropping his gun? Why would she help him if she despised him. Why would she say she would help if she planned to kill him? 

Why did he want her to pull the trigger and have her end all of his rhetorical questions?

"Two" Spike saw something flicker in Faye's eyes. Was it fear? Was it determination? It looked to be a little of both. Then, in one fluid motion, Faye did something Spike simply did not expect.

She put her gun to her own head.

"Faye!"

"I'd rather shoot myself then have you dead again. If you don't value your own life, do you at least value mine?" Faye was gambling, and she knew it. But if Spike had cared at all about her, then this would make him drop his gun. If Spike thought that she would hurt herself if he were to die, then maybe, just maybe . . . he would find something to live for. He seemed to be scared. Well, good, let him be scared. He had to be scared of something . . .

He still hadn't dropped his gun, and Faye felt tears sting her eyes.

_Well, I guess this is it . . . _She pulled back the hammer.

"Thr . . ."

"FAYE! STOP!" Spike had dropped his gun, and was running towards her. He stopped when he saw her smirk and drop her gun to the floor.

"I win." Spike looked at her incredulously.

"You're fucking crazy!" Faye patted Spike nonchalantly on the shoulder, and walked towards the door to the sitting area, exhaling the deep breath she had been holding. 

God. She had almost just shot herself.

For Spike.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike followed Faye into the sitting area without even thinking. He didn't understand. He just didn't get her at all. What kind of stupid game was she trying to play? What was she trying to prove? 

He watched her as she walked to the fridge and pulled out a beer. She seemed . . . distant. Like she was off in some far away place instead of ten feet in front of him. What had been going on with the two of them lately?

Spike didn't remember much of anything, but he had a gut feeling that this wasn't the way it used to be.

"Faye . . ." Faye glanced at him for a second to let him know that she was listening, then plopped on the couch, lit a cigarette, and opened her beer. When Spike didn't continue, she looked to his direction and blew smoke in it.

"What do you want, Spike?" Faye had a lump in her throat. She felt sick; she felt like she was dying inside. She wanted the old Spike back . . . the new one was killing her. 

"Nothing." Spike wasn't in the mood to tell Faye about his recent memory. He wanted to. He wanted to see the way her face lit up when he told her, but he was wary of her trying to run off like she did before when he had told her about remembering something. He watched as Faye looked to the ceiling and sighed. 

"Spike, if you don't talk to me, I can't help you." Faye got up quickly from the yellow couch and walked over to him. "Oh, and Spike, just so you know . . .you're not going to remember anything if you want to die." She stared at him in the eyes, swallowing the bile in her throat. "Don't go and walk in the hanger like you're planning to die. Don't go anywhere planning to die, go there to find out if you're really alive." Faye smirked and winked as Spike's eyes widened. She started striding out of the room. "Some weird person said something like that to me before."

Spike clutched his head.

_"Where are you going? Why are you going? You told me once that the past didn't matter. You're the one who's tied to their past!"_

"FAYE!" Spike yelled out to the purple haired woman, and she stopped in mid stride, spinning around to see Spike fall to his knees, staring in shock at nothing. Oh god . . . 

_"Look at these eyes. One of them is a fake because I lost it in an accident. Since then, I've been seeing the past in one eye, and the present in the other. I believed that what I saw was not all of reality . . ."_

"Spike! What are you seeing?! Spike!" Faye ran to his side and crouched down beside him.

_"Don't tell me things like that! You never told me anything about yourself! Don't tell me stuff like that now!"_

"Faye . . ."

_"I thought I was watching a dream that I would never awaken from. Before I knew it, the dream was all over."_

"Spike, what are you seeing?!"

_"My . . . my memory came back . . . but . . . nothing good came out of it . . . there was no place for me to return to . . . this was the only place I could go back to! But now . . . Where are you going?! Why do you have to go?! Are you telling me that you're just going to throw your life away?!"_

"Faye . . . you didn't want me . . . to go. You thought I'd die . . ." Faye's jaw dropped in shock. Oh god, he was remembering that?!

_"I'm not going there to die, I'm going there to see if I really am alive . . ."_

Faye gulped and got back her bearings, gripping Spike's shoulders and shaking them.

"Spike! What happened that day? Right before you came back to the Bebop . . . Think! It's important!" Faye wanted to curse at herself for being so damn masochistic, but Spike _needed_ to remember this now. 

Spike's head shot up and he stared at Faye, tears running down his face, his soul feeling like it had been ripped from his body. The memory was there. The complete memory of a certain blonde haired woman smacked into him full force.

"Julia died." Spike stared back towards the floor, shaking uncontrollably. It was too much. There were too many thoughts, too many images coming towards him . . .

He wrapped a shaking hand around his stomach.

Spike could almost _feel _the wound that Vicious had inflicted on him. He could _feel_ the pain of everything that Vicious had done to him.

And he could remember. He remembered his days in the syndicate. He had been a Red Dragon, a damn good one at that. He had risked his life day in and day out for someone else's sense of justice. He remembered his camaraderie with Vicious; he remembered his love for Julia. He remembered wanting to get away from all of the violence. He had wanted to run away with Julia and live a free life. But Vicious . . . he had stolen Julia away from him and had threatened to kill the both of them if they tried to run. They were going to run anyway, but Julia had backed out at the last moment so that they both could live . . . 

Spike shuddered. He remembered _everything._

He had teamed up with Jet soon after leaving the syndicate. He remembered going after drug dealers, crazed animal activists, a demonic child, an explosives expert, an _annoying_ western styled cowboy (oh, wait, that was a terrorist . . . oops), a cackling balloon shaped lunatic . . . and . . . 

He remembered meeting Ein in a pet shop and saving him from plunging to his death instead of cashing in on a bounty. He remembered meeting Faye, the only person he knew that was as impulsive, if not more impulsive, then he. He recalled his encounter with Ed, the girl who had forced him to let her tag along and brought humorous insanity to the ship.

Spike started shaking uncontrollably and vaguely registered Faye clutching his shoulder, repeating his name over and over again.

Faye. He had met her in a casino and had ended up trying to get a bounty off of her head. She had spouted nonsense at him from day one, and he didn't realize until much later that the reason that the reason she didn't say anything real was that she didn't remember _having_ anything real . . . he recalled again the day that they had gotten the beta tape in the mail and she had watched from the wings . . . not registering the memory from the pictures she was being shown. He recalled again the fateful day on the Bebop where she had tried to stop him from getting himself killed, telling him that she had gotten her memory back, but it didn't matter . . .that the past didn't matter. He had made her cry then, too.

Only two weeks ago, he had stared at an unfamiliar ceiling, only to see that purple haired woman pop up in front of him. He hadn't remembered her. He had looked at her and asked her who the hell she was. He remembered the hurt look on her face, and then the fear that looked like it had wrapped itself around her heart. He remembered her screaming at Jet to get the doctor, because she knew . . . she knew what was going on the instant it was happening. He remembered each and every time she had broken into tears and run out of the room, excuse after lame excuse. She had felt what he was going through. Spike was sure of it. Even worse, her pain must have been much greater than his own. She had known what he had lost.

Faye was crying now, shaking Spike so hard she felt like she was going to pass out from the effort. She was terrified. Why was he trembling like that, why wasn't he responding to her? What the hell was wrong with him?!

"Spike!!" Faye shrieked, choking hoarsely on her sobs. "Spike, answer me!"

Spike blinked and looked at Faye, his eyes clearing from their haze. Faye swallowed hard and stared at him, clutching her hand to her chest, feeling her heartbeat in her ears.

"F-Faye?" Faye hiccuped and grinned widely. He was okay . . . oh thank god he was okay!

"Oh, God, Spike, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked you that . . . are you okay?" Spike smiled, a brightness radiating in his eyes that Faye had never seen before.

"Don't you _dare_ apologize." Spike spoke with a softness in his voice that Faye didn't recognize. He smirked, and then gave Faye a quick hug.

Faye gasped, fresh tears falling down her face. She knew.

He had . . .

He . . . 

"Spike . . ." Spike sprung back from her and joking relaxed on the couch in an utterly lazy manner, picking up her beer can and lighting a cigarette. He turned to her and gazed at her with dancing eyes, smirking with mischief.

"Memory's back . . ." Faye put her hand to her mouth and almost screamed in joy . . . until she realized something . . . She scowled.

"Hey! Hand's off my beer, Afro-puff!" 

"_Your_ beer?"

"Yeah, _my_ beer. That's the last one, hand it over!" Spike grinned.

"Oh, if it's the last one . . ." 

Spike downed the remnants of the can, got up, and walked out of the room, whistling. Faye picked the empty can off of the table, and threw it at him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To Be Continued . . . 

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Hey minna, hope you like. There is definitely more to come. ('bout 3 more chapters, case you were wondering.)

I have to be honest with you guys, I know I've been trying to get up two chaps a week, but my beloved PC just bit the dust, and I'm currently typing on this unbelievably old laptop that hates me. I'll try to go quick though, cuz next chapter is gonna have one of those cliffys that is gonna make ya wanna kill me . . . heh heh. That, and I feel horribly guilty when I don't update when I say I will . . . 

Okay, I will see you either Thursday or next Monday w/ Chapter 8. Luv ya minna!

Ja!

*This Fic is copyright March / April 2002 Sailor Red / Elaine Mahlecke


	8. Twisting the Knife

You're Gonna Carry That Weight

By Sailor Red

Cowboy Bebop belongs to Bandai ent. / Sunrise inc. 

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Chapter 8

Twisting the Knife

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A.N. I must apologize up front for the horrible tardiness of this installment. Besides all of the problems I had with my computer, I also became distracted by a plethora of other things. The most distinct of these distractions was a guy friend of mine thoroughly screwing with my head. Honto ni gomen nasai. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike was back to his normal self. Every aspect of the man Faye had remembered, previous to his accident, had returned. There was a large part of Faye that was overjoyed about this turn of events. However, there was that small, bothersome nagging in the back of her mind that told her that she wasn't completely happy to have Spike back to his old, rude, annoying, uncaring self. Faye had thought that once Spike had gotten back to normal, once everything was again as it should be, she would feel more at ease. This was simply not the case. 

She watched Spike and Jet from her leaning position on the wall. She watched them laugh and joke, swinging half smoked cigarettes and sloshing nearly empty beer cans. Spike was searching through the bounty menu for a little fun, and Jet was grinning like a Cheshire cat as he watched Spike's eyes search the monitor. 

Everything was getting back to normal.

Faye wanted to scream.

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Faye plopped on her bed, lay down, and stared at the ceiling. She should be happy. She should be dancing in the halls. Spike was okay. Everything was great. Hell, if this were shoujo anime, there'd be some upbeat pop song in the background and cherry blossoms flying through the air. Well, where were those damn flower petals? They should've been around hours ago! Where were the crazy schoolgirls in their sailor outfits, and why weren't they singing about pink sugar and fluffy bunnies? Oh, woohoo and hallelujah, Spike's back to normal. 

So why was her heart aching like this?

Maybe it was because all Spike wanted to do was smoke, drink, and look for bounties with Jet. Maybe it was because Spike hadn't so much as nodded to her in the past couple of days. Maybe it was simply because Spike didn't need her anymore, and therefore wasn't giving her the time of day. On that train of thought, maybe it was because Spike was Spike, and that man didn't care about anything, least of all, Faye Valentine.

Faye lit herself a cigarette and then blew the smoke to the ceiling, watching the gray tendrils float upwards and disappear. She wished she could be something as simple as smoke. Smoke could fly carelessly to the sky and then vanish effortlessly. No one cared about smoke, and smoke didn't care about anyone either. Smoke was there, it was tangible, but it didn't matter. 

Faye coughed. Oh well. There was a downside to smoke as well. 

What the hell was she letting her mind do? It was going in all sorts of odd directions that she didn't like. She was Faye, for Christ's sake!  She wasn't supposed to be depressed. She wasn't supposed to be miserable, especially not now!

"Faye! You in there?" Faye shot up in bed, eyes wide. _Spike . . . _

"Yeah, what do _you_ want?" Spike put his hand to his forehead. What was _her_ problem? He just wanted to . . .

"I'm coming in, hope you're decent." Spike reached for the doorknob, but the door opened before he got a chance to open it himself. Faye glared at him.

"Well?" Faye started speaking in an annoyed tone, but then saw the look in his eyes. Oddly, Spike's eyes seemed somewhat soft. "What do you want?" Her tone had changed considerably, almost to a sound that seemed kind. She stared as Spike shifted almost unnoticeably and awkwardly.

Spike composed himself as much as he possibly could. Why was Faye affecting him? He had purposely avoided her in the last few days to get himself back to normal so that this wouldn't happen. Yet, when she talked like that, he was forced to remember everything she had done for him recently. He was forced to be nagged by that part of him that wanted to hold onto her and never let her go. He mentally shook off his emotions and attempted to put his mask back into position. These weird thoughts were not supposed to be in his head. They were not supposed to bother him.

"Do you want in on the bounty or what? This guy we're after is known to be a pervert, so Jet and I figured . . ." Faye's eyebrow twitched. 

"You figured I could get into some sort of smutty outfit and lure him out, huh? Well guess what? I don't need the money that bad." 

"It's 1,500,000 woolongs . . . that's a cool 500,000 each, Faye." Faye growled and narrowed her eyes. Shit. That was a lot of cash. 

"Fine. When do we leave?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Faye had to admit that it felt nice to be bounty hunting with the guys again. This was one aspect of life that she was glad to have at a normal state. It was simple at its core. It didn't matter if Spike was Spike while bounty hunting, as long as no one got killed. They had always subconsciously looked out for each other anyway, and this time would be no different. 

Faye calmly walked through the large, intricately carved mahogany doors of the intended building, strolling as suggestively as one could stroll. She swayed her hips subtly with the beat of the music, black healed shoes gliding and occasionally clicking on ivory colored tiles. Her dress, black with deep purple firework sparks, showed off her assets with a corset like top; from her waist, the material flowed to her ankles, yet still showed her shape from a slit from her mid thigh downwards. 

Faye lost count of how many heads turned when she walked by, but she nevertheless enjoyed watching jaws drop. She had forgotten how much affect she could have on men when she put her mind to it. She grinned slightly and looked around for her target. From the picture she was given, her bounty wasn't a bad looking man, and therefore, should be easy to spot in this hall, seeing as there were groupies around every decent looking guy in the room. Sure enough, she heard the drunken cat call of her target the second she caught his eye. Faye put on her most seductive smile, walked to the man's table, and leaned over to look him in the eye.

"Hi!" Faye nearly purred. The man smiled evilly and made a move to grab at her. Faye fought with herself to keep from yelling and pulling out her gun then and there, choosing to simply slap his hand 'playfully' and click her tongue. "Now, now, sir. We wouldn't want to rush anything." She smiled mischievously. "After all, foreplay is better done in private." The man's eyes widened. Faye leaned over to whisper in his ear. "If you want, maybe I'll show you all sorts of things later . . ." Faye got up and started to walk off, hearing the man laughing excitedly until she got out of range. She wasn't paying much attention to where she was going and nearly slammed into Spike. He caught her by the shoulder before the impact came.

"You sure you didn't overdo it a little bit back there?" Faye smirked and looked up at the fluffy haired man. He looked almost angry.

"Aw, what? Is Spikey jealous?" Spike growled and released his hand from her shoulder, walking towards the bar. Faye's eyes widened in shock. Whoa. _Is _Spike jealous? Faye ran up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. "Spike, what the hell is your problem? I'm just doing what you guys asked me to do." Spike rounded on Faye, fire lining his eyes.

"Whatever, Faye. You do what you're doing, but don't _ever_ think for one _second_ that I would be jealous of you flirting with someone. You're _nothing_ to me. The thought of you getting anywhere near me like that makes me want to vomit my entrails into a sewer . . ." Faye could feel tears threatening to start, but she wouldn't let them come. There was no way in hell she'd cry right now. Right now, she just wanted to scream.

"You know what Spike, go to hell! I was joking around with you, like I've always done, and you took it way too seriously." She turned to walk away, but then decided against it, got up in his face, and angrily shouted: "If I mean nothing to you, and if you didn't feel a hint of jealousy back there, then you _would not_ have gotten so upset about my comment. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, Spike Spiegel, but you better figure it out. You and Jet can finish up with this bounty by yourselves. I'm going back to the ship." With that, Faye walked briskly out of the room, leaving a wide-eyed Spike staring after her.

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Faye probably shouldn't have pushed her Red Tail so much, but she was angry, and she just wanted to get back to the Bebop as fast as possible. By the time she docked, her little ship was smoking, overheated. She jumped out of it and slammed the door, leaving it as it was. She was sure there would be smoke rising from her if it were a physical capability. Spike was such an _idiot_! Then again, so was she. If that man had half a brain, he probably realized now that she had feelings towards him. Then again, as she said, he was an idiot, so . . .

She screamed in frustration, grabbed a beer from the fridge, and violently threw herself on the couch. Her eyes squinted in anger. She opened her beer, sighed, and opened her eyes. 

She dropped the can when she saw the screen in front of her flickering intensely. 

_Last seen on Mars, wanted for multiple murders. Dead or Alive. 300,000,000 woolongs. Extremely dangerous. _Faye gulped, bile rising in her throat.

Vicious 

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Done, done, and done. Next chapter will be out soon. As a matter of fact, I shall start working on it now. I love you, minna. I promise I'll get this story done soon. 

Ja.

*This Fic is copyright March - July 2002 Sailor Red / Elaine Mahlecke


	9. Fade to Black

You're Gonna Carry That Weight

By Sailor Red

Cowboy Bebop belongs to Bandai Ent. / Sunrise inc.

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Chapter 9 

Fade to Black

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Faye could feel her entire body shaking. _How can Vicious be alive? How is that possible?_

Of course it was possible. After all, Spike was alive. Spike had been horribly injured and he still made it, and Vicious was his Martial brother. Therefore, it _was_ entirely possible that Vicious could have made it out too . . . 

Faye wanted to tell the rational side of her brain to shut up, but it was the only thing keeping her from balling herself into a fetal position at the moment. Vicious was the one person in most likely the entire universe that terrified Faye. That man was so inherently evil that . . . 

Faye gulped and shakily lit a cigarette, staring at the vid screen in horror. This man was strong enough and skilled enough to take down Spike. 

Faye choked on her smoke. 

_When Spike sees this, he's going to try to run to his death again . . . _

Faye's fear of the silver haired man left her and was immediately replaced by the fear of losing Spike again, a fear so powerful she felt as if she couldn't move. 

_When Spike sees this . . . _

Faye felt tears fly freely from emerald eyes.

_When Spike sees this . . ._

Faye rose to her feet, pulled out her gun, and shot the vid screen. Spike would not see this. She would not allow him to run blindly to his death again.

This time, she would be the one doing the running.

This time, she would die.

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Spike walked into the sitting room, and Jet went to water his bonsai. They had screwed up. Without Faye, they couldn't get close enough to the bounty, and he had gotten away. 

Spike sat down on the familiar couch and put his feet up on the table. He was about to click on the vid screen, when he noticed the bullet hole through it. He leapt to his feet and cursed loudly.

"That stupid _bitch_!" Spike had had about all he could take of that purple haired woman. What the hell had possessed her to break the . . .

Where was she, anyway? She said she was going to go back to the ship, but . . . 

Spike's eyes widened. Now that he thought about it, he didn't remember seeing the Red Tail in the hangar. Something inside Spike snapped, something that made him feel like his intestines were tying all his vital organs together and squeezing them mercilessly. Something was wrong. Something was horribly _wrong_. Then he saw it.

On the table, there was a plain white business envelope underneath an empty beer can. Spike didn't think for a second as he grabbed it and ripped it open.

_Spike,_

_So you found this letter. How observant of you. I bet it took you a while. Anyway, I'm probably not coming back. You see, I saw this bounty that was simply too good to pass up, and I just have to go after it. You know how much I love to gamble. _

_Well, this is probably going to be my final wager. The odds are pretty bad, and I'm probably not going to make it out of this alive. Actually, I'm almost positive I'm going to die. That's okay, though. It doesn't really matter anyway. _

_Tell Ed that it's been fun, tell Ein that he's a stupid mutt, but I love him anyway._

_Give Jet my thanks for putting up with my shit, and for the love of god, get that man some cooking lessons, or you're all going to die of food poisoning. _

_Oh, and Spike . . . don't come after me. _

_The reason I'm going is so that you don't have to. I'm serious. Stay on the Bebop. Otherwise I die in vain, and I'll have to haunt you for the rest of your life. _

_Hey, if I make it out of this alive, then I'll be a rich woman. I can get my own ship and call it the "Hey Spike, Kiss my Ass"_

_Catchy, isn't it?_

_Bai!_

_Faye_

Spike crumpled up the letter and threw it to the floor. Shit. Who the hell was she after? 

Spike's eyes lit up in realization. Why would she be so concerned about him following her? Who would be the one person that he would be likely to run out blindly after, even if he knew he was going to . . .

Shit.

Vicious is still alive.

And Faye was going to get herself killed facing him, just so that he wouldn't . . . 

Shit.

"JET!" Spike yelled. "Faye says 'thanks for putting up with her shit' and to 'get cooking lessons!' I'm going to Mars!" Jet ran to the sitting area, and then to the hangar to see Spike taking off. What the hell was going on?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blood. Faye could taste it in her mouth; she could feel it rolling down her arm. She had already been punched multiple times in the face and stabbed in the shoulder. She was not down. Hell no. She wouldn't go down while that man still stood.

"Miss Valentine, you still haven't told me your reason for your visit. I must admit I was surprised." Faye rose to her feet, and was immediately kicked in the gut. 

Blood spurted out of her mouth and landed on Vicious' cheek. He laughed.

"You know, it's not polite for a lady to spit. Then again, you're not much of a lady, are you?" He kicked her again, harder, and more violently. 

"Vicious, I'm going to kill you." Faye spat out, forcing herself to her feet, forcing her hand to her gun. Vicious smiled evilly. 

"Kill me? Really." He looked amusedly at himself, and then at Faye's battered frame. "You don't seem to be doing a very good job. After all, I don't have many injuries at all, whereas you . . ." he smirked. "You barely seem to be able to stand." 

"You talk too much, Vicious." Faye quickly raised her gun and shot blindly at the man, silently praying for the bullet to hit anywhere. Anywhere that would disable him. She succeeded. 

"Fuck!" Vicious gripped his right shoulder. He glared at the purple haired woman. "No matter. I can still kill you. You're just a pathetic excuse for a woman, after all." Swiftly, he ran over to her and kicked the gun out of her hand. Faye turned her head automatically to see which way the gun went and was fiercely kicked in the jaw. Her body slid across the ground until her head hit the wall. She groaned and tried to open her eyes, immediately shutting them as blood trickled into them. Vicious laughed manically, and walked over to her, picked her up by her hair, then threw her back to the ground and proceeded to kick her in her gut and chest area, taking delight in the cracking sounds of her ribs. 

Faye could only feel pain. She could only see darkness. Each breath she took seemed harder to take than the last. She was dying. She was definitely going to die here. She didn't want to die.

If she died, and Vicious was still alive, then Spike would find out, and he would die too. Why did she have to be so weak? Tears, crimson and crystalline fell from her eyes. No. She could not die yet. She would not die yet. There had to be a way. 

"VICIOUS!" Faye gasped at the sound of a familiar voice; the last voice that she wanted to hear right now. 

"No . . ." Faye whispered, choking on blood. She cleared her throat as much as possible, and screamed. "NO!!" 

Vicious laughed loudly and lifted Faye to her feet in a strangle hold. He bent his head and whispered into her ear. 

"Looks like my old friend is here. I think we should pay him a visit . . . Oh! Looks like he couldn't wait for me to go and greet him, he's already here." 

Spike ran into the room, his gun ready. 

"Hello old friend. What brings you here?" Spike spun around at the sound of Vicious' voice and watched him creep out of the shadows, a beaten and broken Faye nearly unconscious in his grasp. Spike's eyes narrowed, his grip on his gun tightened. 

Faye . . . 

"Now Spike, I wouldn't point that at me right now. What if you were to misfire? This woman here, I don't think she'd survive a bullet wound. Hell, if I were to kick her again, or maybe . . ." His squeeze around Faye's neck tightened and Faye instinctively clawed at Vicious' arm, frantically trying to get air. "Maybe I should just wait for her to suffocate. Wouldn't that be fun?" He laughed. "She's cute when she squirms, isn't she?"

"Vicious . . ." Vicious looked up to him and smirked.

"What? You want to fight? Fine." He turned to Faye and loosened his grip. "Goodbye, Miss Valentine." 

Before Faye knew what was happening, she was released. In that split second, a gun fired, and her world faded to black.

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To be continued . . .

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Hey minna. The next chapter will be the last. I know I left you a bit of a cliffy, but hey, you expect that from me, right? ^_^  I've gotta go, it's late and I have to work tomorrow. Ptth. Well, Ja!

*This Fic is copyright March - July 2002 Sailor Red / Elaine Mahlecke


	10. Past, Present, Future

You're Gonna Carry That Weight

By Sailor Red

Cowboy Bebop belongs to Bandai Ent. / Sunrise inc.

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Chapter 10

Past, Present, Future

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Smoke rose from the gun, shock and disbelief set in the pit of the stomach of the man holding the weapon. It was over. It was finally over. 

It was almost too easy. It was almost too simple. 

The instant Vicious had released Faye, or more correctly, threw the woman to the ground, Spike had taken advantage of the moment. He aimed, he fired, and he hit Vicious in the middle of his eyes. 

He killed the demon. 

Spike threw his gun to the ground and ran to Faye's side, desperately searching for any sign that she was still alive, frantically seeking a pulse.

He found his sign. Her heart was still beating. It was very faint, but beating nevertheless. He slapped her cheek gently, trying to get her to react.

"Faye . . ." he whispered. "Faye, can you hear me?" The woman murmured something indistinguishable, and Spike involuntarily smiled. "Faye, I'm going to get you to a hospital."

"No." Spike's eyes widened in shock. 

"What did you just say?" Faye coughed, blood trickling from her mouth.

"I said no. You shouldn't have come here. Get the hell out before he kills you." Realization dawned on the fluffy haired man, and he sighed.

"Vicious is dead, Faye. He isn't going to hurt me. Now let me get you some help." Faye looked like she wanted to say something else, but couldn't. All Spike could see was her choking on her own blood, and his gut wrenched. If he didn't get her some medical attention soon, she was most certainly going to die. If she died . . .

Spike cursed at himself and told himself to stop thinking about such things. There wasn't time. As gently as possible, he picked the woman up and started on his way out the door. The Hospital was close. He could make it. He would make it. 

There was no way in hell he was going to let Faye die.

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Darkness filled Faye's vision, emptiness and pain filled her heart. She floated in a sea of black, alone. Why did she do this? Why did she go and do something this _stupid_? 

_'It's because you love him . . .' Faye's consciousness started in shock. What was that? Where was that light coming from? Beautiful and bright, pure and translucent, the light acted as a curtain hiding a figure in the distance._

"Who are you?" Faye shook slightly at the sound of her own voice. She sounded terrified, lost, and confused. She didn't like it. She didn't like it at all. 

_'Let's just say I'm someone who knows how you feel." Faye narrowed her eyes and growled._

"How can you possibly know how I feel? I'm going to die! What's worse is that I'm going to die because I was worried about that _moron! I've given up my life for . . .  for that stupid, good for nothing, __loser!" The voice laughed._

_'You're not dead yet, Faye. You won't die if you fight.' Faye looked down to her feet and sighed._

"What do I have to fight for? Why do I have to keep on fighting? Why should I bother?" Faye's head shot up and she glared at the figure. "You didn't answer my question. I want to know who you are."

_'You're a smart woman, Faye. Figure it out for yourself. Only another who has been put into a similar situation could empathize with how you're feeling right now.' Faye's eyes widened in shock and her breath caught in her throat. _

"My God. _Julia?" The voice laughed and the figure floated out of its curtain of light, a wide grin on her face. _

"See, it wasn't that hard to figure out, was it?" Julia took Faye's hand. "Now, as for your reason to fight for your life, let me show you something." Faye didn't have a chance to protest or even ask Julia what she was talking about when the blackness and the light began swirling and contorting. In one sudden moment Faye found herself floating above familiar surroundings: the hospital.

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Spike sat in the waiting room, a cigarette in his mouth, his eyes staring blankly at the floor tiles. His appearance was ragged, his hair more disheveled than usual, stubble growing in on his chin. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. 

Jet walked up to him, and put his hand on the fluffy haired man's shoulder. Spike looked up halfheartedly to see the nearly bald man shake his head. 

"Any news?" Jet sighed and plopped into the chair next to Spike's. 

"Nope. Not yet. She's still critical, and she's still unconscious." Jet turned his head to face Spike. "You still haven't told me what the hell happened out there." Spike leaned over to put his cigarette out in a nearby ashtray, and then stood up.

"Vicious." Jet gasped and rose to his feet.

"What?"

"Faye saw that there was a bounty for Vicious. She didn't want me to run off again, so she went by herself to face him." 

"That dumb broad. What kind of idiot is she?" Spike whipped his head around to glare at Jet, then turned and punched the nearest wall. Jet jumped in shock. 

"Shut up, Jet. She did this for everyone. That includes you. She didn't want me to die again." 

"You said that already." Spike growled and started heading to where Faye was being treated. Jet simply stood where he was. He didn't know what to do in this situation. He didn't have any idea what this situation was. He shook his head and ran his hand through non-existent hair. "What the fuck is going on?"

~~~~~

Faye watched the happenings in the hospital with slight amusement. It was nice to be able to spy on Jet and Spike. Yet . . .

She still didn't see what Julia had been talking about.

_'Follow Spike . . .' Faye felt Julia's hand on her shoulder and she jumped. _

"Why?" Julia laughed.

_'Trust me.' _

Faye shrugged and floated after Spike, following him into the ICU. She grimaced at the sight of herself. Multiple tubes and needles were stuck into her; bandages were wrapped tightly around her head, shoulder, and torso. She was attached to a respirator as well as a heart monitor. It wasn't pretty.

She watched as Spike pulled a chair over to her bedside. He looked at her and smirked without mirth.

"You know, Romani, It figures you would get placed in the one room where I can't smoke." He sighed. "It kinda figures that the area you'd need a cigarette, more than any other room, you just can't light up or else you'll blow the place to bits. God's sense of humor, I suppose. God damn it, Faye, why'd you have to . . ." He rubbed his eyes violently with his thumb and forefinger, then reached to take her hand in his. "Look, I know your intentions were good and everything, but what you did was still really stupid. I'm not worth this. I don't know what was going on in your head, and frankly it terrifies me to even think of what cranks might have been turning, but . . ." he slightly tightened his grip on her hand. "There're a lot of things I want to tell you, but you have to snap out of it. I need you here." Spike smirked. "I'm gonna screw up again one of these days. I always manage to, somehow. Who else is going to yell at me and call me an idiot? Well, besides Jet, right? Who else am I going to argue with while Jet's doing his bonsai thing? Who's going to throw on a dress and seduce potential bounties? I sure as hell can't pull it off." Spike sighed and looked to the ground in silence.

Faye stared at Spike in disbelief. She had never heard him talk so much. Normally, some of the things he said would have pissed her off, but . . .

He looked so . . . sad. She never would have dreamed that he would . . . care. Of course, he didn't know that she could hear everything he was saying, nevertheless, he was actually saying these things. What was he . . . 

"You know Faye . . ." Spike started. "The reason I got so upset when you teased me was because you were right." Faye gasped and floated closer. He wasn't talking about . . .

"I _was jealous when you were flirting with that bounty. I think you knew that already, but . . ." Tears started forming in the corner of Spike's eyes and Faye gasped again, putting her hand to her face and letting her own tears fall freely down her face. What was he . . ._

She jumped a little when she felt Julia nudge her. Faye had forgotten that the woman was still there. 

_'You should be conscious for what's next. You have my blessing, tell Spike that.' Faye was then pushed. She didn't fight it. She simply let herself fall._

"I was jealous. I couldn't help it. God, Faye, you're such a pain in my ass . . . but I think that's what I love about you." Spike jumped internally. Did he just say . . .

Spike released Faye's hand and rose to his feet. He needed a cigarette.

"Where the hell do you think you're going, Gorgio?" Spike spun around in shock, eyes wide. Faye's eyes twitched and slowly opened. She swore. "Ow. Damn light." She turned her head to the side, grimacing as pain shot through her. "Well? Please tell me you brought Vicious' body to the cops. I had better be getting paid for sticking up for your sorry ass." Spike grinned.

"Jet took care of it. I had to drag _you over __here." Faye smiled._

"Yeah, thanks a lot. Exactly how many tubes do I have in me? God, this sucks." 

"Five or six . . . maybe seven. I'm going for a cigarette. You can't have one. See ya." Faye growled, then smiled evilly.

"Yeah, I know. You told me that about fifteen minutes ago." Spike stopped in mid stride.

"What? B-but you were . . ." Faye pushed a stray strand of hair away from her eyes and grinned.

"Unconscious? Yup. Doesn't mean I didn't have one of those out of body experiences. They _do happen sometimes when you get close to death . . . Oh, and Julia says hi." Spike nearly choked._

"What?" Faye yawned.

"Yeah, I never expected _her to shake her finger at me and tell me it was wrong to die. Jeez."_

"She did _what?" Faye stared at Spike in amusement, and then continued._

"She's up there looking after you, apparently. Basically, she has this crazy idea that you're in love with me, and she wanted to make sure that you didn't lose another girl due to your stupidity."

"_My stupidity! You're the one who . . ." Faye smirked._

"Yet you don't immediately tell me that Julia's psycho for thinking you love me. . . weird. You should really get psychoanalyzed Spike. You're fucking crazy." Spike threw his hands up in the air. 

"You know what Faye, maybe Julia's completely sane and knew what she was talking about. I'm going for a smoke. Get well soon." 

With that, Spike slammed the door behind him. Faye simply stared in complete and utter shock. 

Did Spike just . . .

Did he just admit that . . . 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike walked to the waiting room, searching for Jet. He couldn't believe what he had just done. What the hell was wrong with him? Why couldn't he think before he spoke? Faye did that to him, though. He didn't ever really think much when she was around. He just shot his mouth and worried about what he said later . . . 

He found Jet and told him of Faye's condition. The man seemed relieved. Spike lit a cigarette and exhaled heavily before telling Jet that he was going to the police station to take care of the bounty money. He needed some air.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_one month later . . ._

Faye swore at her physical therapist. The guy was trying to tell her that she'd be stuck in the hospital for another week if she couldn't get herself moving properly. She was sick of this goddamned hospital. She hadn't seen Spike since his little 'confession' and it pissed her off. Jet had told her that he was busy working on getting some cash for the rest of the crew. They weren't going to touch the bounty money from Vicious until Faye gave them the 'go.' She _did almost die for that bounty after all . . ._

Faye wanted to go shopping, or gambling, or, well she wanted to be doing anything but be in the hospital. 

Oh, and she wanted to see Spike. She had a bone to pick with that man . . .

"Alright, Miss Valentine . . .you can go home tomorrow. Take it easy." Faye growled at the man and glared.

"I thought so. Now stop feeling me up and get out of here." The man blushed a deep shade of red and practically ran out of the room, nearly trampling Jet.

"Hey. What'd you do to that guy?" Faye smiled innocently.

"Nothing, Jet, nothing at all. I'm going home tomorrow. Better tell Spike. He'll probably want to run off and hide before I get there." Jet rolled his eyes.

"What the hell is with you two, anyway?" Faye laughed.

"Apparently, Spike's an idiot. What else's new?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Faye had never been happier to step aboard the Bebop. She was home and everything was not completely normal. The second Jet got in the door, he ran to the kitchen to cook. Faye groaned.

"Jet, I just got _out of the hospital! You better not be expecting me to . . ."_

"Faye-Faye!" Ed ran and pounced on Faye, bringing her to the ground. Faye seemed to grow vampire fangs as she pried the girl off of her.

"Ed! Are you trying to kill me?" Ed grinned widely.

"Nope! Ed is just happy to see Faye-person is alive. Ed will go feed Ein now. Bai Bai Faye-Faye!" With that, the redhead grabbed Ein by the collar and ran off. Faye sighed.

"Hey Jet . . ." 

"What part of my cooking do you want to make fun of now, Faye?" Faye smirked.

"I have all the time in the world to do that. How much does it cost to get a new vid screen?" Faye could have sworn she heard Jet choking in the kitchen. 

"W-what? Are you actually taking responsibility for . . ."

"Okay, Jet, forget it then. I'm stealing a beer."

"Good luck. I think Spike grabbed the last one." Faye growled. Damn it. She really wanted a beer. She hadn't had one in . . .

"Here." Faye spun around to see Spike throw a beer in her direction. She smirked, caught it, opened it and took a long swig.

"So the renegade cowboy makes his appearance . . . does that mean you've done something right for a change?" Spike ran his fingers through his hair and smiled.

"Yeah. Small fry. 10,000 woolong bounty. Hey, it buys beer and cigarettes. What more do we need?" Faye shrugged.

"I don't know about you, but I need a shower. . ." Spike nodded, and Faye started to walk past him when he caught her arm, and stared her in the eye. Faye could feel her pulse quicken. She looked at him quizzically.  "What do you want?" Spike released her and sighed.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it." Faye shrugged and let out a deep breath she didn't realize she had been holding. 

"Hey, Spike . . . about that thing . . . If Julia was right about that . . . thing . . . well, it'd make me . . . happy, I guess. Just thought you might want to know." Spike stood in shock for a second, Faye's words slowly sinking in. Did that mean that she . . .

Spike watched her start to make her way towards the shower area, and then without thinking, grabbed her by the wrist and spun her around.

"What the hell do you want now, Spike?" Faye cursed at the shakiness of her voice. She had meant to sound annoyed, but it just came out . . . well, wrong.

"What do you mean by that?" Spike's voice was abnormally soft, half because he didn't want anyone to overhear him, and half because he was inexplicably nervous when he looked into Faye's eyes. There was something different there, something that was normally hidden from anyone and everyone who had ever looked at her. Emotion. Faye rolled her eyes.

"God, you really are and idiot, aren't you. It means I love you. You're so du . . ." Faye wasn't able to finish her sentence as Spike pulled her close to him and kissed her passionately, not stopping until a clatter sounded through out the room.

Jet stood near the familiar yellow couch that was now sporting a gross looking green stain. Spike stared for a second, and then walked away, whistling, his hand behind his head and his elbow sticking out. Faye laughed and started to head up towards the shower, stopping only when she reached the top of the stairs.

"Hey Jet, you may want to clean that up, I think it's eating through the couch!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~See You Space Cowboy . . . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well minna, that's it. I hope you enjoyed. ^_^ Wow, I love this fic. It's broken so many personal records . . . Came out pretty good, too. I mean, you guys seem to like it. ^_^ Let me know what you thought of the end; you know how much I love reviews.

Thanks for sticking with this story 'till the end. I luv u minna!

Ja! 

*This Fic is copyright March - July 2002 Sailor Red / Elaine Mahlecke


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